2013 - Hope for Morning

Genesis - the first thing in the bible: And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good,and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

Revelation - the last thing in the bible: There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

These are the bookends of creation. I'm not just thinking of the story in Genesis. I'm referring to God creating an entire family, which is what the whole bible is really all about. It's one story - many authors, events and ideas - but a single overriding purpose.

I will always remember the end of 2012 as the darkest of night.

I hope for morning to come in 2013 - that God would bring peace to me and my family.

David wrote: Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I know we won't be swallowed by the darkness. I know this from what God has revealed and what I have experienced.

John wrote about Jesus: In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

I look forward to "no more night".

Paul wrote: And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.

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God, please bring the morning. I trust you will.

Wednesday - God's Will

On Wednesday - the third statement of the Lord's Prayer: Your will be done.

Sometimes it's hard to know what God's will is.

I think I know many of the daily things I need to do: love God, love others, be compassionate, be faithful, don't get wrapped up in all the stuff the world has to offer.

I also think I know some of the bigger picture: Eventually all this will come to an end, Jesus will return to gather all those who belong to him, we will be a family with God for eternity.

It's the things in between those two that are hard to fathom at times. What does God want me to do? What does he want for my family? I honestly don't know any of the specifics, but I do know he wants us to be productive and grow.

I really like this parable...

Jesus taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

Jesus goes on to explain it:

Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? The farmer sows the word. Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

God, help me to clearly hear what you have to say in your word and accept it. I want to be productive.

Christmas - God's Kingdom is Here

Simply put: Jesus came to earth to bring God's kingdom here. He came so I could join his family - to stop the separation.

I think John wrote the most straightforward statements on it. Referring to Jesus:

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world.

He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 

He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

He goes on state what I and my family celebrate on Christmas day:

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

For Tuesday - the second statement of the Lord's Prayer: Your kingdom come - is very fitting.

Monday - God is Holy

I was going to take the week and look at Exodus, but I'm finding I want to write more about personal things, rather than just ideas about God.

A friend of mine called me today - we have known each other since grade school. As we were taking about Caleb, he said "I'm glad you're walking with God through this".

So am I.

Where else can I go? I don't see any other viable road to go down.

I have noticed a pattern all over the bible: when God takes someone to a new place, He often says "Quit wanting to go back there, there's no turning around." So I will trust Him and see where this road leads.

So for Monday - the first statement of the Lord's Prayer: God in heaven, your name is holy. 

God being the ultimate standard of goodness gives me confidence.

Jesus - Peacemaker

Sunday: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Over this past week, I have tried to map the phases of Jesus life to the beatitudes:

Poor in spirit, mourning and meekness – his birth and early life, a time of chaos

Hunger for righteousness – his baptism and temptation, a time of change

Mercy – his period of ministry, a time of reaching out

Pure in heart – his going to Jerusalem to face death, a time of preparation

Is this the best way to think about all this? I don’t know - it works well for me. It helps organize things in my mind.

Today is about Jesus as peacemaker – his crucifixion, a time of reuniting God and mankind.

From Mark’s account of Jesus’ crucifixion and death:

It was nine in the morning when they crucified him. The written notice of the charge against him read, “The King of the Jews”.

At noon, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last. The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, saw how he died, he said, “Surely this man was the Son of God!”

Paul wrote a great summary of who Jesus actually was, starting with him as a child of God and concluding with him as the ultimate peacemaker…

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

To conclude the week, since it is Christmas, I will consider what Isaiah wrote, a few hundred years before Jesus was born. It’s kind of a parallel to what Paul wrote above:

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

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God, I don't clearly understand why all these things had to happen - but from the beginning to the end of your word, there's this pattern and symmetry that makes sense to me.

I want to be your child.

Bless the whole world.

Jesus - Pure in Heart

Saturday: Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

I’m so glad I can’t see the future – I wouldn't be able to live in the present. If I knew in detail what tragedy was coming for the rest of my life, I would continually fixate on it.

That’s was Jesus had to face. He had a crystal clear understanding of his own betrayal and death.

He knew about his death: “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!”

He knew about his betrayal: So Jesus told him, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” But no one at the meal understood why Jesus said this to him. Since Judas had charge of the money, some thought Jesus was telling him to buy what was needed for the festival, or to give something to the poor. As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night.

He knew about being abandoned: Peter asked, “Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” Then Jesus answered, “Will you really lay down your life for me? Very truly I tell you, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!

Knowing all of this, Jesus continues on with his mission. He’s not “letting his heart be troubled”. He tells his followers to do the same: Don’t let fear pollute your heart – keep it pure.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

Don’t let your hearts be troubled, you have seen God.

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God, my heart is often polluted with all kinds of things, including fear and doubt. The more I keep those things out, the more I focus on you. When live is difficult, having You as the focal point has brought me the most comfort and peace.

Jesus - Mercy

Friday: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

After Jesus is tested in the wilderness, he goes on to start his ministry.

One of the first things he does is read this passage in public: The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

His "mission statement" is to show God's favor and mercy:

Healing people from sickness

Feeding people  

Teaching people how God actually sees right and wrong, and how they can respond to it

As I read through the gospels, I see this balance in the way Jesus approaches being merciful. He interacts with all kinds of people, helps them when needed, and is always trying to teach to respond to God. As I discussed in an earlier post about mercy, Jesus takes the initiative.

He continues on with this until he heads up to Jerusalem, where he will eventually be killed.

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God, thank you for taking the initiative with me, and reaching out to me.

Jesus - Hunger

Thursday: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

After the birth of Jesus, the next major events described in the bible are Jesus’ baptism and temptation – I think they are connected.

Mathew wrote: Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?” Jesus replied, “Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” Then John consented. As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

What is all this about? Jesus was God, why did he need to be baptized?

The time had come for a change: A change from his old life to a new life of ministry. I think in baptism, even Jesus was saying “the old has gone, the new has come”. It was now time to start on the path of bringing God and man together.

Jesus had to be tested, to prove that his new hunger was indeed for righteousness.

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

(There is too much in the temptation of Jesus to go into here, so I’ll do it sometime in the near future.)

Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

I think this statement speaks volumes. He had survived the temptation and was now able to move on to do what the Father had planned for him to do. In a sense, he had just passed where Adam and Eve had failed.

I’m really fascinated about the first question Satan asks – it gets right to the point of hunger.

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God, I hope I do well in testing. There are all these areas in my life were I want to move out of chaos and into goodness - and I know that testing stands at the gateway each time.

Jesus - Refugee

This week I'm thinking about some aspects of Jesus' life...

Wednesday: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Mathew wrote: When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.” So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”

It’s kind of crazy to think that the God who created the earth was a refugee, escaping through the desert to survive.

Mathew wrote: After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, “Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child’s life are dead.” So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel.

I see Mary, Joseph and Jesus being meek in two ways:

They were poor, powerless people (in human terms) with the king looking to kill them. They had to leave the country just to survive.

They obediently did what God asked them to do – they let Him be in charge.

The first three beatitudes are about God blessing us in the midst of chaos: spiritually poor, mourning, and without power. I think Jesus was born into that chaos as part of God’s plan. Why?

Paul wrote: In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross!

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God, thank you for entering the world to connect with me and save me. Bless all the people I know who have connected with you - help them to show others who you are.

Jesus - Disaster

This week I'm thinking about some aspects of Jesus' life...

Tuesday: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 

Matthew wrote: After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him.

For King Herod, a disaster had come, and he was going to stop it. He asked the Maji (wise men) to lead him to Jesus, but God told them not to and to leave secretly.

Then Mathew wrote: When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: “A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.”

Disaster (dis = bad; aster = star). In the ancient world, unexpected changes in stars meant great change was coming. Those in charge often got replaced and maybe worse. Herod was bent on stopping that change by killing Jesus. When he couldn't get directly to Jesus, he decided to kill any kid that might be Jesus.

This mass death of children was predicted by Jeremiah 600 years earlier.

So was this God’s plan? If He wasn't willing to tolerate it, he had a long time to head it off.

Did He want the murder to happen? I don’t believe so. He says not to kill each other.

So God has no power to stop this madness? There are cases in the Bible where He did stop mass killing. There are also other cases where He commanded it to happen. There are cases where he had people do the killing, then killed them for doing it.

So what do I do with all of this? I’m really trying to understand God, but sometimes I come up empty.

    He loves us

    He uses the good that happens

    He uses the evil that happens

    He sees it all coming

    He will do anything to connect with us

    He is often beyond understanding

    He is God, I am not

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God, I don't understand why so much death and chaos is wrapped into your plan for us, including you being on the cross. Help me to always do good and comfort those who need it in the midst of all this.

Bless my family and forgive their sins. I hope they connect with you.

Jesus - Poor in Spirit

As Christmas is coming in just over a week, I want to look at some things in the life of Jesus for the next seven days. As with all almost all of the posts, I will follow my weekly pattern of the Beatitudes.

Monday: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Were Joseph, Mary and Jesus “poor in spirit”? No, the bible makes it clear that they were rich in their spirits:

     Mary: But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. 

     Joseph: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. 

     Jesus: She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins. 

All three were good people, and did what was pleasing to God.

But to the outside world, they looked bankrupt: He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

     Mary is pregnant – she and Joseph are not married.

     They can’t find any place that would take them in to have a baby 

     Jesus is born in a cave with animals - unclean in that culture

From the outside they looked really immoral. So God starts them out with the appearance of being “poor in spirit”. Most likely, the family lived with the stigma of this for the rest of their lives.

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God, thank you for faithful people like Mary and Joseph. They were willing to trade their reputations to do the good you asked them to do. I hope I can follow their example.

Light on the Horizon

C.S. Lewis: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” ― A Grief Observed

I would like to be free of the fear and grief. I want peace, healing, and restoration for my family. It’s not going to happen right away, but I’m beginning to see a light on the horizon. I see being open and honest with God as the path forward.

King David wrote: Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin.

I think silence toward God is a prescription for ongoing pain. I would be crazy to not talk with Him.

John said: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I trust Him to bring us peace in the middle of a lot of things I still don’t understand. As I said, my part is to be transparent and honest.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

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God, help me to be a peacemaker.

To See God

C.S. Lewis: “Not that I am in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.” ― A Grief Observed

I have come to the conclusion, I no longer fear dying – I fear the God who holds life and death in his hands. By fear, I don’t mean respect. I mean I’m afraid of Him. He will give and take what He wants, when He wants, and how He wants, regardless of my hopes and plans.

He is the God who chose to put the curse on us.

He is the God who stood by and watched Cain kill Abel.

He allows neglect, murder, war, earthquakes, slavery, genocide.

He destroys his enemies and condemns them to hell.

He is the God that demands blood and death to accept me. He won’t forgive without it.

The most terrifying thing of all: He allows me to damage and scar others, and live with the results of my failures. A self-inflicted wound is one thing, but wounding others is horrifying. 

If at this point you are looking for me to close the loop with a focus on God’s grace, look elsewhere. I have plenty of that in my other posts.

It’s hard to love a God that scares me to death, so I have blocked out the parts I don’t like. I have made God in my own image. I have reduced Him to down to what I want, so I’m forced to cast him as a victim who watches on with no power to act when trouble comes – then shows up to comfort everyone. He has all the power in the universe to act, and He chooses when to do so, and when not to.

Moses wrote: And when the Israelites saw the mighty hand of the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.

King David wrote: Serve the Lord with fear and celebrate his rule with trembling.

Jesus said: I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. 

Obviously fear is not the only way to approach God, but it's a significant part of the equation.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

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God, help me to see you truly as you are.

Empathy of A Stone

C.S. Lewis: “I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll 'say something about it' or not. I hate if they do, and if they don't.” ― A Grief Observed

Again, Lewis captures exactly how I feel right now.

     I hate it when people ask me how I’m doing. 

     I hate it when they give me words of encouragement. 
 

     I hate it when they say nothing and avoid the whole issue. 

I hate being in the middle of this mess. Every interaction, or lack of interaction, is painful. People tell me they don’t know what to say – I don’t either. Being around me is hard work, and I can’t express how much I appreciate it and need you all to be there.

Unfortunately, I have rarely reached out to anyone, except close friends. For the most part, I don’t notice people’s pain. I've had the empathy of a stone. The post I did on Monday speaks to this.

      I have not been that guy who calls to follow-up.

      I have not been the thoughtful person with the note.

      I have been the impatient guy who secretly wishes you would just get over it.

      I have been the one who ignores the whole thing.

I want to be different. This is what I want to be, written by Paul: I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Jesus said: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

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This morning my wife and I went with my son Nathan to the Dougy Center. This is their mission: to provide support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a death can share their experiences.

They exist to show mercy. What a great reason.

The Hole

C.S. Lewis: “Aren't all these notes the senseless writings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it?” ― A Grief Observed

Lewis hits the nail on the head. There is this huge hole that has been opened up, and I really want to fill it. I’m hungry for meaning and sense and a remedy for the pain. I’m trying to take the right action:

Being with my family

Meeting with friends

Reading the word

Talking to God

Trying to focus on someone else’s needs

Going out alone and crying for my loss

Writing this blog

None of it fills the void. There is nothing to do but endure it.

There are still a lot of good things in my life – many more good than bad. It’s easy for me to get overwhelmed and forget all the kindness, friendship and compassion I see every single day. 

I’m still amazed myself: Unless I work really hard, I forget there are billions of people on God’s agenda, every single one as important and I am. I keep thinking that my pain is at the top of His global priority list - which is not the case. So I will wait.

Jesus said: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

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God, thanks for all the people in my life. Thanks for the goodness they bring to me. I hope I can do the same for them.

House of Cards

C.S. Lewis: “God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.” -  A Grief Observed

I’m discovering who God is, at least in a small way: He demands my honesty – and he doesn't seem to care what the price is.

King David wrote: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

This makes a nice song for church – but actually calling on God to test me to my core? Is that really a good idea?

Moses wrote: The Lord your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul. It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him.

As in my other posts this week, I misunderstood myself. I expected some correction, maybe a solid beating. I did not expect to be sent down a long torturous path. I did not expect a piece of my world to be swiftly smashed like a house of cards.

In all this, I still have to follow him. I’m a slave to the living God, regardless of circumstances. I have no choice.

Blessed are the meek and powerless, for they will inherit the earth.

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God, bless my family and be with them. Forgive them, bless them and pursue them.
Thanks you for all you have done for us. 

Train Wreck

C.S. Lewis: “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” ― A Grief Observed

I have been under a false assumption my whole adult life: God is here to protect me from trouble. To be perfectly honest, I thought train-wrecks were for other people, not for me. Somewhere inside of me, I genuinely thought I was special, and God would skip that stuff in my life. I know – it sounds pretty bad to come out and say it.

Jesus told his followers that trouble was coming, and that he was going to die. He concluded by saying: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Paul said: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

I know people who gave up on God when trouble came. I also know people who dug in and got closer. Now that I’m here, I can see it’s purely a decision I need to make myself. God is leaving it up to me. That’s why it’s called “testing”. I hope I accept His comfort, and I can be fit to help others.

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God, I apologize for thinking I was somehow better than the rest of the world. I’m not.

Falling off an Iceberg

Last week a friend of mine was telling me about his wife's experience in a grief class. He made the comment, "They make it clear in the class that the length and amount of grief over someone dying is not a measure of faith. It's a complicated process, and the last thing people need is to feel guilty if it's going slower than they feel it should."

As I was telling him how I could now understand it after this past month, it immediately became clear to me how much damage I had done to Becky, my wife. I was horrified.

Becky's mentor of over 15 years had passed away a few years ago. After a very short period of time, I told her that she should rely on her faith and not grieve so much. At this time I was sure I was "speaking the truth". 

After thinking about it, I knew that I had made a mistake, but I had no clue how wrong I was. I only saw the tip of the iceberg. Now I know the real hurt I caused. What an idiot. 

My own pain cleared my mind. I fell off the iceberg, into the freezing water, and I saw how big it was underneath. As soon as I could, I told Becky how sorry I was and asked for her forgiveness.

CS Lewis: “Nothing will shake a man - or at any rate a man like me - out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.” ― A Grief Observed

These are not the kind of revelations about myself I look forward to having. The wilderness and captivity are really painful, but it's where God sends people to get them to repent.

Jesus said: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

John said: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

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God, forgive me. I need to repent.

Sunday - Mustard Seed

Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”

Sundays: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Finally, in this simple saying of Jesus, the mustard seed becomes a tree. It's established, produces fruit and provides a place for the birds to safely rest. The tree is a peacemaker.

God looks at me and says, "Be a peacemaker - help people come into my family and find rest with me."

Moses wrote: For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

Isaiah wrote: The Lord’s justice will dwell in the desert, his righteousness live in the fertile field. The fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever. My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.

I think God looked at the earth on the seventh day of creation and said, "Be a place of peace for me and my children."

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So in the past seven days I have considered:
- How the mustard seed went from almost nothing to a place of peace for the birds
- How God takes me from being poor in spirit to being a peacemaker
- How the earth went from chaos to a place of peace for God himself and his people.

God, let it be so.

Saturday - Mustard Seed

Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”

Saturdays: Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

To be "pure in heart" is to have the character do what's right when your supposed to. What is right for a mustard plant to do? Produce fruit - mustard seeds. Once the plant produces fruit, the whole cycle starts again, and you continue to see God work.

God looks at me and says "You need to be pure in heart - it's what you were made for. You need to take and maintain responsibility in the areas you influence my creation. Use your energy and make things wonderful. When you do, you get to see me at work."  

King David said: Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God their Savior.

Paul said: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

I think God looked at the earth on the sixth day of creation and said, "I will put people made in my image here, and I'll give them responsibility to take care of this place. They will work and create and be happy, and live with me." 

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God, beyond my own life - the good and the bad - there is a whole world out there. You made every person in hopes they would be like you and to see you. Reach out to all the people on earth and bless them.

Friday - Mustard Seed

Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”

Fridays: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

As the small plant starts to grow, it's fully dependent on the environment. It's "at the mercy" of the sun, rain and soil to survive. Once the plant grows to the point of producing fruit, it in turn shows mercy to others.

God looks at me and says " I want you to come to me regardless of your failings. You need my mercy to survive. I show my mercy through people like you. You must join in to make all of this work."

Jesus said: It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.

James wrote: Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Jesus also said: Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

I think God looked at the earth on the fifth day of creation and said, "I'm going to give you creatures that will not work and show my mercy - the birds and sea animals." 

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God, bless all those people around me that don't know you and are searching. Help me to be part of the goodness you want to give them.

Thursday - Mustard Seed

Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”

Thursdays: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Once the seed germinates, it starts to grow. It gets "hungry" to be filled with what's good for it - water, light, nutrients. Once it sprouts, I can get optimistic about its future. It's not going to stay in the ground dead, but it will live and grow.

King David said: Taste and see that the Lord is good;blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

I think God looks at me and says "I know you're hungry, and I know you want to be filled with good. I'm going to do that, one day at a time, to the extent you can accept it."

I think God looked at the sky on the fourth day of creation and said "you are empty and need to be filled," and put the sun, moon and stars there.

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God, please bless all those people I know who also know you. Give them the opportunity to do good, see good be done, and experience good being done for them. Fill up their lives.

Wednesday - Mustard Seed

Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”

Wednesdays: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Initially the seed sits in the ground, powerless to do anything but wait. It's waiting for the environment to support it with the soil, heat, light and water. It will come to "inherit the earth", sprout and grow.

God looks at me and says "Just wait, and don't give up. You will start to grow and good will come of it."

King David said: I remain confident of this:I will see the goodness of the Lord    in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

James said: Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains.

I think God looked at the earth on the third day of creation and said "I've created the land, and filled it with plants that will grow and reproduce. This will provide for the beings I'll put there."

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God, in the midst of grief, I look forward to the future and the good you will do. You are in charge and I'm not. It's hard to for me to wait for good to come - help me to be patient.

God, my biggest hope is that ultimately encouragement and blessing will come to the people we know because of my son's life. I hope that no one rejects or distances themselves from You because of this.