Two Years

Today, two years after Caleb died, there are so many things I could possibly write about. Where the first year was a year of misery, I think this past year was one of weariness of being very tired all the time.

I'm choosing to focus on my weekly prayer for the past two years. I pray about these things every Tuesday, as all this happened on that day. I actually set this process in motion a few weeks before Caleb died, not knowing what was coming - and I see the hand of God in it. (The original post about it)

This is what is important to me...

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God, father in heaven - you are awesome, great, holy. Bring your kingdom here - connect with us, allow us to know you, see you, hear your voice.

Blessed are those who mourn - this is me, this is my family. Be with us.

God, bless Becky, Josh, Sam and Nathan. Forgive them for anything they have done wrong. Forgive them because you're a compassionate and loving God, not wanting to hold anything against us. Lighten their load if possible - take away any burdens of guilt and worry.

Thank you for Becky, her heart, her strength. She would do anything possible for our good, she is my example.

Thank you for Josh, his friendship, his honesty. He is a source of strength to me.

Thank you for Sam, her compassion, her goodness She is an encouragement to me.

Thank you for Nathan, his commitment, his insight. He brings me hope.

God, be kind and compassionate to them. Reward them for the good they have done to me and others. Reach out to them - I hope they can see you.

I hope only good comes to them. I hope their lives are filled with happiness, friendship and success.

If bad must come, I ask that it comes to me instead. I don't begin to understand how all this works, but if possible, I would take any pain and trouble from them on to myself. If that's not possible, be close to them in all they must go through.

Forgive me for all I've done wrong to them. Show me where I fail them - I hope I have the courage to change. Remind me often to be kind.

God, I miss Caleb every day. If possible, please tell him I love him, I miss him, I forgive him for all the pain, and I look forward to being with him again. Also, if possible, tell him I need his forgiveness for all I've done wrong. God, bless him - he sees you face to face.

As a family, give us the compassion and strength to reach out to those who are also in pain and loss. Make our home a place where people can come with their fear and doubt and be comforted. Make us like you.

Thank you for all the people who have been good to us, who have chosen to walk with us, not avoid our pain. I see you in them. There are too many to list here. I hope you reward them.

God, you are all powerful and all knowing, and you still chose to let death and pain enter into our family. You have also brought goodness and help. I don't understand most of this - but I have learned one thing: all this happens so that you would be known, and that we would reach out to you. To me, my family, our friends, those we have touched - make yourself known.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

Where am I God?

Job - a person who God said was good in everything he did - gets everything taken away: health, family, possessions, position. After sitting silent for a week, Job starts to talk about his pain. He comes to the point where he basically asks "God, where are you? I can't find you."

Job said: But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.

After a lot of discussion between Job and his friends, God finally speaks out of a storm.

He said: Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?

After Job had lost everything and suffered so much, why does God start out by essentially yelling at him? I think its matter of Job's attitude. God is saying "I have always been in the right where I belong, where are you?" 

This goes back to the first "where are you?" in the Bible.

In the garden of Eden, Adam and Eve fail, then they go into hiding. God comes near to them as asks, "Where are you?" I think the implication is clear.

So today, on a Monday, when I consider: Blessed are the poor in spirit,  for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, I need to ask "God, where am I? Help me find the right place to be." No matter what has happened to me, God is solid and not moving, and I need to get my bearings from him.

God is not just an angry, demanding deity. He does want me to "get it", but He's also there for me, wanting to help. Jesus said: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Sunday - Loss

It's Sunday, and I normally try to focus on peace with God.

Today, I'm feeling an overriding sense of loss and regret over my son, Caleb. I wish I could rise above it, but I don't think that's going to happen right now.

I know God is in control. I don't like everything He allows to happen - but where else can I go? He holds my life and all the lives of the people I know in His hands. I know He cares and grieves with me. I wish I understood all of this - I wish He would make it more clear. Right now, all I understand is sadness.

From Psalm 34: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. This is me.

I miss you.

I've Seen God

On Saturdays, I consider the 6th Beatitude: Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

I'm in no way implying that I'm pure in heart. But my wife, Becky and I discussed all the occurred this past week - and we feel like we have done what God has asked of us. So for one week out of 2,600, I think I did all that I was supposed to do (I could easily be wrong).

But we did get to see God...

Paul said: Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

He also said: If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

Over the past week and a half we have had so many people reach out to help us. They have comforted us, brought us food, prayed with us, called to see how we are doing, offered to run errands, flew to meet our daughter, and just about anything else you can imagine. God didn't show up like lightning out of the clouds, He showed up in His people. We have experienced so much goodness - I don't know how I'm ever going to express appreciation to everyone. 

Also on Saturdays, I consider the part of the creation story where God created us: So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

From this, I believe that when we see people doing good, we see an image of God.

God's will be done

I was thinking a lot today about "God's will be done" (my thoughts on Wednesdays)

In light of what I have been through in the past week, this can seem pretty harsh: God will do what he is going to do, regardless of what we want - just suck it up. Your son is gone, accept it. 

True, God is in charge, but the concept goes way beyond this simple idea. God has the power and influence to do anything He wants, how He wants, and when He wants - but shares some of it with us.

In the creation story, on the third day, He sets the boundaries of the land, making the earth habitable for us. Similarly, for the the third beatitude Jesus teaches "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." What does all this mean to me? I think God has his agenda, but also wants us to be partners in it, with our own influence. He owns the space, and we can do something with it.

So, what can we do? We can put our "stamp" on the tragedy. We can reach out, be transparent, care about others - maybe with eternal influence (By the way, I'm not sure how all this works). I truly believe if we are willing to step up, we can have a hand in making good out of bad. 

Why didn't He use his power to avert this? When I find out, I'll let you know. He didn't stop Cain killing Abel (get rid of the good one, leave the bad one - not the way I would do it), or David killing Uriah, or people killing Jesus, or Adam and Eve eating the fruit, or Israel botching it up lots of times. I don't have the answers on this - just observations: in each case He helped make good out of bad. 

As I'm writing this, the fact that Jesus was raised on the third day comes to mind. God's power over death was demonstrated, so we can inherit eternal life. There are so much alignment in the bible, it gets hard to take it all in.

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As I got home today, the clouds moved away and I got to look at Mt. Hood for a few minutes before dark. This was one of my favorite places to be with my son.

Pain and Hope

I lost my son this week. I found out he died on Tuesday, November 6. It's indescribable pain - I won't even try to deal with it here, it would do it no justice.

But I have hope for many reasons. Just one of those reasons is the post I wrote a couple of weeks ago on October 23 about my spiritual practice on Tuesdays. I reread it this morning and realized it was God's spirit writing a note to me in my own hand, which is really hard to fathom. Why would He do this? Because He loves me, my son and my family. 

Click the link to go to it.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.