Doing What God Wants

Pay attention to the people God puts in your path if you want to discern what God is up to in your life.
- Henri Nouwen

Sometimes I think I know what God wants, other times I'm not so sure - and sometimes he writes it on the side of a bus and runs me over with it...

I got an email from someone yesterday. He said he needed my help - one of his employees had a son that died of suicide a month ago, and the man was having a very difficult time (who wouldn't?). He asked me if I would meet with the man to talk. I said I would.

I met with the unfortunate man today during lunch - and I saw myself two years ago: totally blindsided, in a dense fog, terrified of what will happen next. Every word, every thought, the smallest interaction hurts beyond description. Can't sleep and always tired. Immensely concerned for his wife and kids. Wanting to do something that makes sense. Not attempting to avoid the pain. He has entered hell, and there is no getting out of it any time soon.

Our sons both died on the same date - Nov 6. Go figure.

After we talked, I came home, sat on the couch and stared into space for a couple of hours. I cried for him, for me, for our sons, for the whole mess. I had entered back into my own fog for a while - its like a flashback. It wears me out.

After just meeting, I hope we become friends. I think it would be good for both of us.

One of the hardest parts of grief is the loneliness you feel most of the time. It won't be very long before most people will just look down at their feet when he mentions that his son died. They will think that they don't know what to say, so best just to stay quiet. What a terrible thing to think and do - to take an opportunity to connect, to build someone up, and instead leave someone feeling more isolated. I did that until two years ago.

When he tells me about pain and death, I will look him in the eye and ask him to tell me more. For just a short time, I will reenter the fog and maybe relieve his loneliness. I can't fix any of his problems - I don't expect him to want that. I can only suffer a little while with him. I can listen and let him know I care.

For me, maybe I can add some meaning to my own loss. Maybe I can do him good by just being around and talking once a week. I honestly want my grief to count for something - to hopefully make a difference in someone else's life. I've spent too much of my life being greedy with my spirit, not realizing it can't grow while I protect it.

So I think in this small area, I'm doing what God wants.

About three thousand years ago, the prophet Micah wrote: The Lord has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

I'm not very good at any of these. God help me.

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Wednesdays | God is in control – My influence is weak 

- Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven- 
- Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth

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Two Years

Today, two years after Caleb died, there are so many things I could possibly write about. Where the first year was a year of misery, I think this past year was one of weariness of being very tired all the time.

I'm choosing to focus on my weekly prayer for the past two years. I pray about these things every Tuesday, as all this happened on that day. I actually set this process in motion a few weeks before Caleb died, not knowing what was coming - and I see the hand of God in it. (The original post about it)

This is what is important to me...

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God, father in heaven - you are awesome, great, holy. Bring your kingdom here - connect with us, allow us to know you, see you, hear your voice.

Blessed are those who mourn - this is me, this is my family. Be with us.

God, bless Becky, Josh, Sam and Nathan. Forgive them for anything they have done wrong. Forgive them because you're a compassionate and loving God, not wanting to hold anything against us. Lighten their load if possible - take away any burdens of guilt and worry.

Thank you for Becky, her heart, her strength. She would do anything possible for our good, she is my example.

Thank you for Josh, his friendship, his honesty. He is a source of strength to me.

Thank you for Sam, her compassion, her goodness She is an encouragement to me.

Thank you for Nathan, his commitment, his insight. He brings me hope.

God, be kind and compassionate to them. Reward them for the good they have done to me and others. Reach out to them - I hope they can see you.

I hope only good comes to them. I hope their lives are filled with happiness, friendship and success.

If bad must come, I ask that it comes to me instead. I don't begin to understand how all this works, but if possible, I would take any pain and trouble from them on to myself. If that's not possible, be close to them in all they must go through.

Forgive me for all I've done wrong to them. Show me where I fail them - I hope I have the courage to change. Remind me often to be kind.

God, I miss Caleb every day. If possible, please tell him I love him, I miss him, I forgive him for all the pain, and I look forward to being with him again. Also, if possible, tell him I need his forgiveness for all I've done wrong. God, bless him - he sees you face to face.

As a family, give us the compassion and strength to reach out to those who are also in pain and loss. Make our home a place where people can come with their fear and doubt and be comforted. Make us like you.

Thank you for all the people who have been good to us, who have chosen to walk with us, not avoid our pain. I see you in them. There are too many to list here. I hope you reward them.

God, you are all powerful and all knowing, and you still chose to let death and pain enter into our family. You have also brought goodness and help. I don't understand most of this - but I have learned one thing: all this happens so that you would be known, and that we would reach out to you. To me, my family, our friends, those we have touched - make yourself known.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

Light on the Horizon

C.S. Lewis: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” ― A Grief Observed

I would like to be free of the fear and grief. I want peace, healing, and restoration for my family. It’s not going to happen right away, but I’m beginning to see a light on the horizon. I see being open and honest with God as the path forward.

King David wrote: Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin.

I think silence toward God is a prescription for ongoing pain. I would be crazy to not talk with Him.

John said: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I trust Him to bring us peace in the middle of a lot of things I still don’t understand. As I said, my part is to be transparent and honest.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

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God, help me to be a peacemaker.

To See God

C.S. Lewis: “Not that I am in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.” ― A Grief Observed

I have come to the conclusion, I no longer fear dying – I fear the God who holds life and death in his hands. By fear, I don’t mean respect. I mean I’m afraid of Him. He will give and take what He wants, when He wants, and how He wants, regardless of my hopes and plans.

He is the God who chose to put the curse on us.

He is the God who stood by and watched Cain kill Abel.

He allows neglect, murder, war, earthquakes, slavery, genocide.

He destroys his enemies and condemns them to hell.

He is the God that demands blood and death to accept me. He won’t forgive without it.

The most terrifying thing of all: He allows me to damage and scar others, and live with the results of my failures. A self-inflicted wound is one thing, but wounding others is horrifying. 

If at this point you are looking for me to close the loop with a focus on God’s grace, look elsewhere. I have plenty of that in my other posts.

It’s hard to love a God that scares me to death, so I have blocked out the parts I don’t like. I have made God in my own image. I have reduced Him to down to what I want, so I’m forced to cast him as a victim who watches on with no power to act when trouble comes – then shows up to comfort everyone. He has all the power in the universe to act, and He chooses when to do so, and when not to.

Moses wrote: And when the Israelites saw the mighty hand of the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.

King David wrote: Serve the Lord with fear and celebrate his rule with trembling.

Jesus said: I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. 

Obviously fear is not the only way to approach God, but it's a significant part of the equation.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

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God, help me to see you truly as you are.

Empathy of A Stone

C.S. Lewis: “I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll 'say something about it' or not. I hate if they do, and if they don't.” ― A Grief Observed

Again, Lewis captures exactly how I feel right now.

     I hate it when people ask me how I’m doing. 

     I hate it when they give me words of encouragement. 
 

     I hate it when they say nothing and avoid the whole issue. 

I hate being in the middle of this mess. Every interaction, or lack of interaction, is painful. People tell me they don’t know what to say – I don’t either. Being around me is hard work, and I can’t express how much I appreciate it and need you all to be there.

Unfortunately, I have rarely reached out to anyone, except close friends. For the most part, I don’t notice people’s pain. I've had the empathy of a stone. The post I did on Monday speaks to this.

      I have not been that guy who calls to follow-up.

      I have not been the thoughtful person with the note.

      I have been the impatient guy who secretly wishes you would just get over it.

      I have been the one who ignores the whole thing.

I want to be different. This is what I want to be, written by Paul: I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Jesus said: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

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This morning my wife and I went with my son Nathan to the Dougy Center. This is their mission: to provide support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a death can share their experiences.

They exist to show mercy. What a great reason.

The Hole

C.S. Lewis: “Aren't all these notes the senseless writings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it?” ― A Grief Observed

Lewis hits the nail on the head. There is this huge hole that has been opened up, and I really want to fill it. I’m hungry for meaning and sense and a remedy for the pain. I’m trying to take the right action:

Being with my family

Meeting with friends

Reading the word

Talking to God

Trying to focus on someone else’s needs

Going out alone and crying for my loss

Writing this blog

None of it fills the void. There is nothing to do but endure it.

There are still a lot of good things in my life – many more good than bad. It’s easy for me to get overwhelmed and forget all the kindness, friendship and compassion I see every single day. 

I’m still amazed myself: Unless I work really hard, I forget there are billions of people on God’s agenda, every single one as important and I am. I keep thinking that my pain is at the top of His global priority list - which is not the case. So I will wait.

Jesus said: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

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God, thanks for all the people in my life. Thanks for the goodness they bring to me. I hope I can do the same for them.

House of Cards

C.S. Lewis: “God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.” -  A Grief Observed

I’m discovering who God is, at least in a small way: He demands my honesty – and he doesn't seem to care what the price is.

King David wrote: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

This makes a nice song for church – but actually calling on God to test me to my core? Is that really a good idea?

Moses wrote: The Lord your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul. It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him.

As in my other posts this week, I misunderstood myself. I expected some correction, maybe a solid beating. I did not expect to be sent down a long torturous path. I did not expect a piece of my world to be swiftly smashed like a house of cards.

In all this, I still have to follow him. I’m a slave to the living God, regardless of circumstances. I have no choice.

Blessed are the meek and powerless, for they will inherit the earth.

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God, bless my family and be with them. Forgive them, bless them and pursue them.
Thanks you for all you have done for us. 

Train Wreck

C.S. Lewis: “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” ― A Grief Observed

I have been under a false assumption my whole adult life: God is here to protect me from trouble. To be perfectly honest, I thought train-wrecks were for other people, not for me. Somewhere inside of me, I genuinely thought I was special, and God would skip that stuff in my life. I know – it sounds pretty bad to come out and say it.

Jesus told his followers that trouble was coming, and that he was going to die. He concluded by saying: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Paul said: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

I know people who gave up on God when trouble came. I also know people who dug in and got closer. Now that I’m here, I can see it’s purely a decision I need to make myself. God is leaving it up to me. That’s why it’s called “testing”. I hope I accept His comfort, and I can be fit to help others.

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God, I apologize for thinking I was somehow better than the rest of the world. I’m not.

Falling off an Iceberg

Last week a friend of mine was telling me about his wife's experience in a grief class. He made the comment, "They make it clear in the class that the length and amount of grief over someone dying is not a measure of faith. It's a complicated process, and the last thing people need is to feel guilty if it's going slower than they feel it should."

As I was telling him how I could now understand it after this past month, it immediately became clear to me how much damage I had done to Becky, my wife. I was horrified.

Becky's mentor of over 15 years had passed away a few years ago. After a very short period of time, I told her that she should rely on her faith and not grieve so much. At this time I was sure I was "speaking the truth". 

After thinking about it, I knew that I had made a mistake, but I had no clue how wrong I was. I only saw the tip of the iceberg. Now I know the real hurt I caused. What an idiot. 

My own pain cleared my mind. I fell off the iceberg, into the freezing water, and I saw how big it was underneath. As soon as I could, I told Becky how sorry I was and asked for her forgiveness.

CS Lewis: “Nothing will shake a man - or at any rate a man like me - out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.” ― A Grief Observed

These are not the kind of revelations about myself I look forward to having. The wilderness and captivity are really painful, but it's where God sends people to get them to repent.

Jesus said: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

John said: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

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God, forgive me. I need to repent.