My main motivation for doing this is my other kids. There are things I can share in writing I may not be able to say. There are things I want to say that they can't bear to hear right now. Hopefully at some point this will be valuable to them and maybe will do some good.
Every day has its times of misery - sometimes only a few minutes, sometime hours. I most often keep my tears to myself - for good or bad, that's who I am. I work hard to not let it consume me.
I miss Caleb. I want him back in my life. I feel cheated.
I love Josh, Sam and Nathan more than ever. Knowing in my heart and soul - not just my head - that they may not always be there, drives me to want to do everything I can for them. I see you hurt, and I can't fix it - but I hope I can help you with it.
I'm sad for Becky. Her heart, like mine, is broken over this. She and I often have to put our own concerns on hold and take care of our family. She is God's hands to the rest of us.
Sometimes I think I'm only a step away from going insane, of giving up, or just doing nothing. I guess I won't take that step, it would be selfish and cause even more misery for my family. My responsibilities are part of my salvation.
I'm filled with guilt, and it won't go away any time in the foreseeable future. I feel guilt about how I could have been a better dad, and maybe what I could have done to prevent this. I feel guilt over the the pain everyone feels. I feel guilt when I'm happy and enjoying myself.
I used to love fall. I have discovered for the time being, I hate it.
I loved skiing with Caleb. I hope I can learn to like it again - not sure right now.
I hope at this point anyone reading this is not thinking they should encourage me to not be miserable, feel guilty, or continue to be sad. I know it would be done with the best of intentions and also come from pure ignorance. There are times in life to suffer - this is my time. I accept it, I hope I'm worthy of it.
Where is God is all of this? Where he always has been - everywhere, including right here.
Has my faith grown? Been lost? I think it's been refined some - I can't judge myself objectively. I know it's different.
How can I believe in a God that would allow this to happen to me? I have come to understand that suffering, as well as love, are core to the way he works. How can God be "close to the broken hearted" or "with me in the valley of the shadow of death" unless he deliberately allowed me to be there? I accept it.
So what's good?
Our friends have been so good to us. There have been so many people that have stood beside us. They have made it their business to make sure we are OK. I haven't said thank you enough.
Our church, not just as a set of individuals, but as an organization - a body - has been very good to us. I know they pray for us often. They have let both Becky and I continue to serve and not insisted we "just rest" - they have allowed us to maintain self-respect.
We have survived. I can't think of much worse circumstances than this - we are still here.
God, even though I'm now somewhat afraid of him, is very close to me. I can feel him bump against me. I see him as good and kind and loving and scary. It's not surprising the creator of the universe is complex.
God has chosen to tell me a few things this past year. The thing he has told me that is the most significant: "Part of you has died with your son, it needs to grow back in the form of kindness. You will become a different person." I'm still trying to understand this.
I have a lot more in my head, but this will do for now.
God, help me to be good to my family, appreciate my friends, and be obedient to you - regardless of good or bad that comes my way.
I think it's natural for me and others to struggle to find the "right words" to offer. I'm not sure those words exist. Knowing this, silence can be the alternative. Not wanting to say the wrong thing, or just simply not knowing what to say at all.
ReplyDeleteThis I am sure of though; I am proud to call you a friend and a brother!
Troy,thank you for sharing your heart and hurts in this way. Your words are poignant and convicting, They remind me that this suffering is real and that, while I may see you once every two weeks (more or less) this thought, this angst, is always with you.and only God can provide the strength or grace to endure it.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter in Sweden sent your blog to me today. I don't know you or where you blog is posted but I know where your heart is. You made me cry, again. We lost our daughter 9 years ago next week. Hang in there with God. He will be your only sanity at times. Remember that He is good AND He is sovereign. He is near, very near the broken hearted. Thanks for your pain-filled musings.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I have prayed for your family often throughout this year. Through each milestone of Ryan's senior year, God would bring you all to mind. And I would pray. Even now, Caleb's picture hangs on Ryan's wall in his dorm room. He is not forgotten. Amy Elder
ReplyDeleteDear Troy & Becky,
ReplyDeleteI have never met you- but received your Blog from dear friends who have encouraged us to pray for you and your son, Caleb, over the years. Our pastor gave a sermon just a few weeks ago that was so helpful to me, and perhaps it will apply to you, from the book of Joel. These are your Locust years. When everything in your soul is eaten to the core, and you feel nothing is left, when all the food in the store houses are gone, when the locusts have destroyed everything you have worked so hard for over the years...it can feel so devastating. God has not left you. As difficult as the situation may seem, Joel 2:25 says, "I will make up to you for the years that the swarming Locust has eaten." He is going to make things well for you again. Hang on to that promise. Vicky
You share your raw human edge and just your sharing alone helps those around you be better, and more aware.
ReplyDeleteTroy I think Caleb is near our daughter at Riverview (Kaelyn Coday, just above on the hill). We are coming up on 8 years since her sudden death. Just know that you are not alone. I'm not much of a blog reader, but really appreciate your words. I get up every day for my other kids, too, and hang onto the Eternal promise. God bless.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so real about your feelings. I lost my oldest son in March. Matt was 31 and had only been married 3 months. He fell from an extension ladder at work and died instantly. I identified with so much that you wrote, especially about the part about others NOT telling you not to grieve. It's necessary for us but painful for others to watch. This kind of loss does change us, redefine us, and hopefully this suffering will make us more compassionate and motivate us to minister to others. I'm not there yet, but day by day, I see God's goodness, and that keeps me going. May God's love continue to cover you. Liz
ReplyDeleteLike CS Lewis' A Grief Observed, you have given us the real face of what grief is. I haven't lost any of my children to death, and I pray I never do. But I am willing to be the "Hur" who will hold up the arms of those who are weary as Moses' arms were during the battle where he needed to hold up the staff (Exodus 17:12). May the Lord continue to be intimate and close as you and your wife journey through this valley together.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. So sorry for your loss. My daughter started the face book page "Church of Lamentations" recently and posted this blog entry on it. I too lost my youngest son(21) last fall (Nov.15th,2012). And like you I love my other children but my boy was a special light to me. Thank you again for voicing the hurt. It is a worth while thing. I especially relate to "God, even though I'm now somewhat afraid of him, is very close to me." I don't know what to do with that..... most the time I just don't know what to do. I feel God is big enough to wait on me till I can see a way out of the fog. I'm counting on it.
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