A hard day & week

I have tried my best not to make the loss of my son Caleb the constant topic of my conversations and writing. It could easily become an obsession, and I fight against it every day. It's with me every time I wake up and again as I fall asleep.

There are days like today, and weeks like this one, where I miss him so much. I don't know what triggers it - why this week and not last week - but when it comes, it comes like a freight train.

After nine months, I still struggle to understand what I'm to do with all this misery and loss. I see everyone in our family hurting over it, and there is no fixing it. If I could, I would take every bit of it on myself - but that's not an option. I can see more of it on the way in the coming months.

This is a nightmare.

I'm not without hope, but that doesn't solve what hurts. God is often very close to me, and I'm thankful for that. I don't know why he's chosen me in this way - I just accept it. He doesn't restore the amputation - he helps me figure out how to live with it and learn from it.

King David wrote: The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry; but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to blot out their name from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Not that I'm a righteous person: So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness."

So I come back to the simplest of points: I trust God and believe he will take care of all of us. Faith like a child is all I really have.

Revelation - Letter Seven

This letter is about peace.

The seventh Beatitude: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God

The seventh letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Jesus says, "You think you're rich, but you're actually poor." This makes me ask myself: Are there things that I think are worth something to God that he thinks are worthless? I think should I ask what they are, not if they exist...

Then he goes on to say, "Do business with me. Buy the things from me that are worth something - the things that will make you whole and heal you."

He tells them he loves them, and with that comes discipline. Finally he says that he is ready to come in and spend time with them, be friends with them, make peace with them.

In biblical times, to eat together was a sign of friendship and peace.

Isaiah wrote:

On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine - the best of meats and the finest of wines. On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken.

In that day they will say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”

God, I look forward to that day. We sit and eat with you face to face.

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Sundays | When I make peace, I partner with God
- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God
- For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever

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Revelation - Letter Six

This letter is about honesty.

The sixth Beatitude: Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God

The sixth letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:

These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars - I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come on the whole world to test the inhabitants of the earth.

I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. The one who is victorious I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will they leave it. I will write on them the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on them my new name. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Points of honesty:
    - These are the words of Jesus, who is holy and true.
    - You have kept my word and not denied me.
    - Those that lie will be made to tell the truth.

I really like the imagery of the door no one can shut and being a pillar in temple of God. I think he's saying, you have access to the presence of God - you will get to see him forever.

God, I want to see you forever. I don't want distance or barriers between us.

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Saturdays | My influence is good, and God will expand it
- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God
- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

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Revelation - Letter Five

This letter is about God's mercy.

The fifth Beatitude: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

The fifth letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Sardis write:

These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have found your deeds unfinished in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; hold it fast, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you.

Yet you have a few people in Sardis who have not soiled their clothes. They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy. The one who is victorious will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out the name of that person from the book of life, but will acknowledge that name before my Father and his angels. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Jesus calls them hypocrites. They are in such a bad state that they are about to die. What does he ask them to do? Wake up and strengthen what they do have.

Does he ask them to make up for what they have done wrong? No.

Does he tell them they are going to pay some price for their foolishness? No.

Does he tell them since they have failed there is no longer any hope? No.

He is merciful. He only asked for their willingness to see their real state and change - and live.

He also makes it clear that if they are not willing, they will pay a price in the future.

I feel this time and again: God says "Come to me. All I ask is willingness to look at yourself, change and live - everything is forgiven."

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Fridays | My relationships are good, and God will build them up
- Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy
- And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors

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Revelation - Letter Four

This letter is about being dedicated to doing good.

The fourth Beatitude: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled

The fourth letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Thyatira write:

These are the words of the Son of God, whose eyes are like blazing fire and whose feet are like burnished bronze. I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first.

Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophet. By her teaching she misleads my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols. I have given her time to repent of her immorality, but she is unwilling. So I will cast her on a bed of suffering, and I will make those who commit adultery with her suffer intensely, unless they repent of her ways. I will strike her children dead. Then all the churches will know that I am he who searches hearts and minds, and I will repay each of you according to your deeds.

Now I say to the rest of you in Thyatira, to you who do not hold to her teaching and have not learned Satan’s so-called deep secrets, ‘I will not impose any other burden on you, except to hold on to what you have until I come.’

To the one who is victorious and does my will to the end, I will give authority over the nations - that one ‘will rule them with an iron scepter and will dash them to pieces like pottery’ - just as I have received authority from my Father. I will also give that one the morning star. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Jesus says:
    - You are growing in doing good, but you still tolerate evil.
    - That evil will lead good people to do bad things.
    - I will stomp out the evil myself.
    - I will make those got involved with it suffer, so they go back and do good again.
    - To those who don't tolerate evil, just keep doing the good your doing.

God, help me to want to do good and actually do it. Search my heart and mind - cut out the bad and fill me with your spirit.

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Thursdays | My heart is hungry for good, and God will fill it
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled
- Give us today our daily bread

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Revelation - Letter Three

This letter is about power and influence.

The third Beatitude: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

The third letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Pergamum write: 

These are the words of him who has the sharp, double-edged sword. I know where you live—where Satan has his throne. Yet you remain true to my name. You did not renounce your faith in me, not even in the days of Antipas, my faithful witness, who was put to death in your city—where Satan lives.

Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: There are some among you who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin so that they ate food sacrificed to idols and committed sexual immorality. Likewise, you also have those who hold to the teaching of the Nicolaitans. Repent therefore! Otherwise, I will soon come to you and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.

Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.

This letter is to people who are living in the seat of evil power, and they are still remaining faithful. Even under threat, they hang in there.

Jesus warns some among them to stop using what influence they do have to do harm - or he will come do harm to them. Speech is a weapon - for good or for bad.

I get this image of a group of people: some of them bearing up under oppression - looking to God for significance; some who try to have power over others, even in a small way, to feel significant.

The theme of words as a weapon is throughout the bible...

From the book of Hebrews: For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 

From the book of Hebrews: Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

From King David: Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from the plots of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim cruel words like deadly arrows. They shoot from ambush at the innocent; they shoot suddenly, without fear.

So God asks me to choose the path of meekness. Not matter what others may do to me, it stays with me. I need to absorb it, stay true to me beliefs, and never take it out on anyone else. 

God, forgive me - as much as I don't want to - when I'm under pressure, I sometimes take things out on others. Help me to keep silent.

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Wednesdays | My influence is in chaos, and God wants to set things right
- Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth
- Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven

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Revelation - Letter Two

This letter is filled with talk about death.

The second Beatitude: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

The second letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Smyrna write:

These are the words of him who is the First and the Last, who died and came to life again. I know your afflictions and your poverty—yet you are rich! I know about the slander of those who say they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan. Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you,and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown.

Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. The one who is victorious will not be hurt at all by the second death.

This letter is fascinating. There are no warnings about what they need to change - only encouragement to hang in there and survive the coming pain. Only comfort, no correction.

Jesus starts out the letter by saying that he has power over death, yet he doesn't stop the pain, suffering and mortality that's to come. He lets the testing go on for the "ten days" - the needed time period. I'm guessing it's so we can see what we are really made of and grow from it.

With my daily thoughts of the loss of one of my kids, death is truly a test. It's a test of everything I believe in, my strength, my sanity. I often have to remind myself I'm going to make it. It's pure misery.

I have been and will be hurt again by the "first death". Who knows? I may have to go though all this loss and testing again in my life - I hope not. But I will not be hurt by the second death - the final death of everything here. He will give me life.

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Tuesdays | My relationships are in chaos, and God wants to change them
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
- Your kingdom come

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Revelation - Letter One

Reading the book of Revelation can be difficult. Its a strange book, filled with all sorts of unfathomable statements - at least for me.

So why write about it?

I maintain that the bible is coherent beginning to end. After listening to some teaching on it and reading it a number of times lately, I think I see a bit of it.

The first Beatitude: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God.

The first letter in Revelation (chapter 2)

To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: 

These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lamp-stands. I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.

Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

I see a warning to good, hard-working, tough people that are trying to serve God: your heart is emptied out, your spirit is poor. If this keeps up, you're not going to make it. Change your course and go back to who you were when you started believing.

Go back to what? What was my "first love"?

For me it was the initial realization that God was there, and he wanted to connect with me. The maker of the universe made himself available to me so we can get to know each other. It filled my mind all the time.

So that's what I aim to do - not take his friendship for granted, not just focus on getting stuff done. I want to invest the time and the energy in continuing to build our relationship.

I think the imagery of Jesus holding the seven stars - the leaders - in his hand, and walking among the seven lampstands - the churches - is to communicate that he is right here among us. He is not far off.

Finally, in many of these letters Jesus says "repent". It sounds ominous - I think its the opposite. I think he is saying "It's OK to come back, I won't hold any mistakes against you."

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Mondays | My heart is in chaos, and God wants to change it
- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God
- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

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Writing is hard work

I've decided that writing down my thoughts regularly is hard work.

It's not that I don't have things I want to write down - it's just the opposite. I have too many things I think about, and I can't decide which ones I should focus on. For my own satisfaction, I should just pick something and get on with it.

So in this post I'll note that I recently have started calling God "Dad" when talk to him. It really felt uncomfortable at first, but I'm getting used to it. It definitely makes me think differently about him.

Jesus said, this is how we should talk to God: This, then, is how you should pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name...

Jesus said a little later: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Paul wrote to the Roman church: For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.

Hear is what I think - I should have a comfortable relationship with God as my dad, but not casual or irreverent one. I am not his equal, I'm his child. He owes me no explanation to me for why he does what he does - I don't expect one in this life or the next. He does want me to approach him, to depend on him, to spend time with him.

Anyway, I guess this is an experiment for me. I will continue on with it for a year and see how it goes.

Dad, thanks for all you have done for us. Even with all the painful things that happen to us, you are a good God and you take care of us.

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Thursdays | My heart is hungry for good, and God will fill it
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled
- Give us today our daily bread

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