Moving my blog

I'm moving my blog over to WordPress and dividing it in two:

Far, far better things - a blog on my thoughts about God and being a believer

A Dad's Misery - a blog dealing with the loss of my son, Caleb.

I think having these two themes separate will be really good for my writing process. There are obviously huge overlaps - as all life and death are in God's hands - but the tone of each will be separate.

So feel free to check them out. Thanks for reading.

Be blessed,
Troy

Quoting Jesus

Starting November 2015, I will start quoting Jesus in my FB journal. This shouldn't be a big deal, but I think it is. 

Jesus is a difficult person to deal with. 

He's both compelling and repelling at the same time. 

I guess God should be that way. I want to get near him, as he's the source of everything. I want to stay away from him, as what he asks of us is really challenging, even frightening.

After Israel saw God speak to Moses, giving the ten commandments, they didn't want to get near him:

They stayed at a distance and said to Moses, “Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die.” 

Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.” 

The people remained at a distance, while Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.

I don't see myself as any different. I can easily quote authors like Lewis, Chesterton, Keller. Moses, David, Peter and even Paul don't pose anything that makes me so uncomfortable as Jesus. It's easy to keep him as a concept, not a person with words.

So I'll spend a while in the "thick darkness".

Three Years

It's been three years today since Caleb died. I miss him every day. It seems like it's been so long - a lifetime ago.

I'm so proud of Becky, Josh, Sam, and Nathan. Each of you have faced all of this openly, and tried to make some good come of it. I see compassion, commitment, and bravery all the time. As far as I'm concerned, you embody true faith and spirit. My hope is to always love you unconditionally, for who you are today, and in some small way to be like God.

I have found no healing or resolution in trying to understand why all this happened. I think it's good - and really hard - to explore my own guilt and contribution to it, but it doesn't seem to help me come to terms with anything.

For me, the only solution is to try do good to others with what I've learned.

I've learned God is there, right in the middle of the evil and the good. 

I've learned he cares a lot - about everyone, not just me. 

I've learned that his priorities and mine are not the same. I'm not even sure about what all of his are, and I'm still figuring out my own. 

I've learned that forgiveness is the only path that leads forward. Forgiving myself, Caleb, everyone around us - and God himself. 

I've learned that people are God's solution to most things. We are here for each other.

To all those who have walked with us in this - so many of you - I offer these words of Jesus as a form of appreciation:

Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, 

I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,

I was a stranger and you invited me in, 

I needed clothes and you clothed me, 

I was sick and you looked after me, 

I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 

“Then the righteous will answer him, 

‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 

When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 

When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ 

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

(The book of Matthew, Chapter 25).

Fighting Writing

I have had the desire, but no energy to write for quite a while. The committee in my head is in a constant argument about it - and I've finally decided to get back at it.

A. W. Tozer: Let us believe that God is in all our simple deeds and learn to find Him there.

What I really need to write about is grief, loss, survival, bravery, the testing of faith - all light and energizing topics. It wears me out to think about doing it, let along actually writing something. But I feel called to it, that there is purpose in it, good in it. I believe God is in it. 

This isn't what I would have chosen to spend my time on - it was chosen for me. I feel a little bit like Jonah, asked to go to a place he didn't want to go, so he ran the other way. Running the other way seems very attractive, but I'll try not to do that.

Jesus said: The Kingdom of God will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag, each according to his ability.

Great Trees

C.S. Lewis: They say of some temporal suffering, ‘No future bliss can make up for it,’ not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.

Paul wrote to the believers in Corinth: What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived - the things God has prepared for those who love him...

What will we be in the future life?

I think we will be like great trees - and here we are only seeds.

We now only hold the essence of who we will be, in the same way a seed holds all the DNA of a giant redwood tree.

I think I'm often in error in the way I consider life in "heaven" (the harbor, the garden, a place of safety). Mostly I think of it as small, as limited, as flat, as black-and-white. In reality, it's huge and complex and endless - and I will grow to embrace it more and more throughout eternity.

For now, I'm just a seed that's cracked open, buried in the ground - trying to reach the surface. In the next life, I will spring to the surface and grow to be a great tree. At present, I can only feel God's light from below ground, through a shell. I will grow, "spread out my leaves", and absorb his presence millions of times beyond what I do now.

God, I look forward to the day I break through the ground into the light.

Forgiveness, Again

C.S. Lewis: The real trouble about the duty of forgiveness is that you do it with all your might on Monday and then find on Wednesday that it hasn't stayed put and all has to be done over again.

For me forgiveness isn't an event - it's a practice, a discipline, a religious routine.

At the core of my need to continually do it, is the realization that without focus and care, my soul is constantly subject to decay. Anything I achieved in my spiritual life yesterday is just that - in the past. Jesus said each day has enough trouble of its own - I'm finding that to be true at many levels.

St. John Chrysostom: Nothing makes us so God-like as our willingness to forgive.

Jesus was really blunt about the requirement to forgive: For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

I've posted about this before. I regularly think and pray about it. It makes me unsettled, even anxious sometimes - which may have been Jesus intent...

Matthew Chapter 18

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Rather than try to explain away the teaching of Jesus, I hope to continue to struggle with it, and embrace it.

I hope to always forgive as He forgave me.