The Shema - Monday

I have been reading through Deuteronomy the past few weeks. Chapter 6 has one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. It’s referred to as the Shema – Hebrew for “Listen”

Listen, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord is one.  

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 

These commands that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  

Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

It speaks of who God is, how we should love him, and how we should fill our lives with what he tells us.

For today, I’m focusing on “Listen, O Israel”

God says, “Listen to me.”

God is willing to talk with us – he is not far off, silent or non-existent. He is near and wants to talk with us. When God communicated with Israel in this passage, they are in the wilderness - they were being punished for earlier foolishness. It doesn't matter, he still wants to talk with them.

The essence of the Gospel – the good news from God – is that he reaches out to us, initiates with us, want to communicate with us, based on his love, not our performance.

When I’m being really honest with myself, I acknowledge that there are things I do well, but there are so many areas where I fall incredibly short. I often ask God why he doesn't just write me off – he’s got to have better options.

Does he want me to do well? Yes, of course. Does he require it to connect with me? No, I can never be good enough.

God, thanks for reaching out to me based on your love, not my performance.

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Mondays | God is great – I’m in chaos

- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God

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A Year of Misery

I have thought a lot about writing this post - so much that I have decided I can't really do justice to how I have felt over the past year. I lost one of my sons, Caleb, a year ago this Wednesday. All I can do is try to make a few notes about where I'm at right now.

My main motivation for doing this is my other kids. There are things I can share in writing I may not be able to say. There are things I want to say that they can't bear to hear right now. Hopefully at some point this will be valuable to them and maybe will do some good.

Every day has its times of misery - sometimes only a few minutes, sometime hours. I most often keep my tears to myself - for good or bad, that's who I am. I work hard to not let it consume me.

I miss Caleb. I want him back in my life. I feel cheated.

I love Josh, Sam and Nathan more than ever. Knowing in my heart and soul - not just my head - that they may not always be there, drives me to want to do everything I can for them. I see you hurt, and I can't fix it - but I hope I can help you with it.

I'm sad for Becky. Her heart, like mine, is broken over this. She and I often have to put our own concerns on hold and take care of our family. She is God's hands to the rest of us.

Sometimes I think I'm only a step away from going insane, of giving up, or just doing nothing. I guess I won't take that step, it would be selfish and cause even more misery for my family. My responsibilities are part of my salvation.

I'm filled with guilt, and it won't go away any time in the foreseeable future. I feel guilt about how I could have been a better dad, and maybe what I could have done to prevent this. I feel guilt over the the pain everyone feels. I feel guilt when I'm happy and enjoying myself.

I used to love fall. I have discovered for the time being, I hate it.

I loved skiing with Caleb. I hope I can learn to like it again - not sure right now.

I hope at this point anyone reading this is not thinking they should encourage me to not be miserable, feel guilty, or continue to be sad. I know it would be done with the best of intentions and also come from pure ignorance. There are times in life to suffer - this is my time. I accept it, I hope I'm worthy of it.

Where is God is all of this? Where he always has been - everywhere, including right here.

Has my faith grown? Been lost? I think it's been refined some - I can't judge myself objectively. I know it's different.

How can I believe in a God that would allow this to happen to me? I have come to understand that suffering, as well as love, are core to the way he works. How can God be "close to the broken hearted" or "with me in the valley of the shadow of death" unless he deliberately allowed me to be there? I accept it.

So what's good?

Our friends have been so good to us. There have been so many people that have stood beside us. They have made it their business to make sure we are OK. I haven't said thank you enough.

Our church, not just as a set of individuals, but as an organization - a body - has been very good to us. I know they pray for us often. They have let both Becky and I continue to serve and not insisted we "just rest" - they have allowed us to maintain self-respect.

We have survived. I can't think of much worse circumstances than this - we are still here.

God, even though I'm now somewhat afraid of him, is very close to me. I can feel him bump against me. I see him as good and kind and loving and scary. It's not surprising the creator of the universe is complex.

God has chosen to tell me a few things this past year. The thing he has told me that is the most significant: "Part of you has died with your son, it needs to grow back in the form of kindness. You will become a different person." I'm still trying to understand this.

I have a lot more in my head, but this will do for now.

God, help me to be good to my family, appreciate my friends, and be obedient to you - regardless of good or bad that comes my way.

You Are My Vision

There are a few songs that have become very important to me. They teach me, encourage me and help me say focused on what’s important. This is one of them.

This song originated in 6th century Ireland – around 1500 years ago. I think it speaks as much truth as the Bible itself, so it has lasted through time and has been adapted into the versions we have today.

This is my favorite version – of course by an Irish group.

The lyrics:

You are my vision, O King of my heart.
Nothing else satisfies, only You, Lord.
You are my best thought by day or by night.
Waking or sleeping, Your presence, my light.

You are my wisdom, You are my true word,
I ever with You, and You with me Lord:
You're my great Father, and I'm Your true son,
You dwell inside me, together we're one.

You are my battle-shield, sword for the fight
You are my dignity, You're my delight
You're my soul's shelter and You're my high tower.
Come, raise me heavenward, O Power of my power.

I don't want riches or man's empty praise:
You're my inheritance, now and always;
You, and You only, the first in my heart:
High King of heaven, my treasure You are.

High King of heaven, when victory's won
May I reach heaven's joy, O bright heaven's Son.
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

Self-righteous Idiot

I had a couple of conversations in the past week that really bothered me. Thinking about them still makes me upset.

They both went the same way…

I met with a friends of mine who are not religious, Christian, whatever. I had intended to focus on them: How I could build them up and encourage them? How could I “bless” them?

They didn't respond as I had hoped. Instead, they insisted on listening and encouraging me - and I found myself wanting to be encouraged. I really appreciated their goodness towards me.

As I thought about it later on I got irritated with myself, and I realized that I’m a self-righteous Christian idiot at times. I think I have more to offer them than they have to offer me. If I’m brutally honest, I think I’m morally superior because I’m a believer – that in some subtle way I’m a better person.

I am not.

This huge hindrance to being the kind of person I want to be: someone who truly values what everyone has to offer.

The truth: God puts all sorts of people – all made in his image – in my life for all kinds of reasons. Being a Christian is not about being better than others - it’s about knowing that I am not, and seeing I need God.

This being “intentional” about my faith, while a great practice if my heart is right, can easily become a disaster if it’s not.

I can’t escape it – I’m the Pharisee in this teaching by Jesus:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ 

“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’  

“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

God, help me.

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Saturdays | God desires obedience – I want to be obedient

- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God

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Psalm 23 - Sunday

I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

From the very end of the Bible (Revelation 21):

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

The old order – what we experience now – will pass away, and will be replaced with something far greater. I’m looking forward to that. As Paul quoted:

What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him - these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

Yes God, by your grace and mercy, I will live with you forever.

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Sundays | God will set things right – I want to join him

- For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever

- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God

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Psalm 23 - Saturday

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life

I don’t think I've really considered this verse before.

“Your goodness will follow" me”, not “Your goodness with be with me”.

Here is the image I've come up with: God’s goodness follows in my wake – it’s what spreads out after me for the benefit of others.  My journey is not just for me.

I can start to see (just barely) why he has allowed me to be in the dark valley…

When we all stand before Jesus at the end of time (Matthew 25):

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 

Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ 

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I can’t think of a better legacy: to somehow leave others with blessing from God in their lives.

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Saturdays | God desires obedience – I want to be obedient

- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God

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Psalm 23 - Friday

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

What does “anoint” mean? When King David was anointed, it was the ceremonial act to make him king. God had selected him.

I think the image of a cup overflowing is one of getting more than I know what to do with.

A merciful God has selected me and given me more than I can imagine. I believe that, and I believe he extends that to everyone.

But do these images line up with my life every day? No - at least not from how I see things. There are times where I’m in the terrible valley, and there are times when I experience overflowing goodness. These two opposing situations are in this very short Psalm – night and day. I think it’s why it has resonated with so many people over the centuries - it's reality.

This makes some sense of it for me (from John chapter 1):

In him (Jesus) was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not understood it …
… The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

God shines in the darkest places and makes me his child – to inherit all he has.

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Fridays | God desires mercy – I want to be merciful

- And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors

- Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

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Psalm 23 - Thursday

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

God sets up the dinner table - He is in the roll of a servant here. I don't think the bible presents an image of God being a king and us exclusively serving him. It presents a balanced view, where there are times I serve him and other times he serves me. Sometimes he blesses me, other times I bless him. I seems to me to be the basis of a healthy relationship.

I get to sit down and eat while my enemies watch - I think this is the indented imagery.

Who are my enemies? My enemies are not people. I believe that if someone is alive – no matter who they are – God loves them and has an active plan to connect with them. I’m only called to love everyone, not speculate on their destiny, (and I have a long ways to go here).

In Ephesians, Paul says:

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  

My enemies are this whole other array of beings I often ignore. Our culture insists they don’t really exist (but they make movies about them all the time - go figure). At some point, I would like to write more about this whole topic - the unseen world.

God, even though evil comes my way – and it has – I’m safe with you. You will take care of me each day in the midst of it. You will “prepare the table” and fill me with good things.

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Thursdays | God will fill me with good – I want to be filled

- Give us today our daily bread

- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled

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Psalm 23 - Wednesday

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 

The images in the first three statements of this psalm are of me being a sheep and God being a shepherd.
   - It’s a picture of me being weak and vulnerable
   - It’s a picture of him having control over where I go and protecting me.

This gives me comfort: it’s not about where I’m at – good or bad, it about who is with me, protecting me, reminding me I will make it.

It’s very easy for me to pick and choose things out of the bible, in hopes to get the message I want to hear. Here is where God tells Jeremiah that he has a future for him:

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

God says that when you come out of pain, loss, captivity – not that these won’t happen – I will bring you back and give you a future. Simply put: you will come out of powerlessness and inherit the earth I have planned for you.

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Wednesdays | God is in control – My influence is weak

- Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven

- Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth

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Psalm 23 - Tuesday

I feel like I am here right now:

Even though I walk through the valley of the the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

I’m walking through a dark valley, along with my family. I guess I had always thought of this verse in terms of my own death. I wish it were that easy. I would pick that over my son’s death right now, no reservations.

It’s really easy to get scared of more evil that might come my way…

- Scared something else will happen.

- Scared my kids will not be able to deal with it in a healthy way.

- Scared this acute pain will not go away at some point – that I’ll never get back to my normal energy level.

- Scared I will forget details about Caleb as time goes on.

Any of these things may happen – but if they do, God is still with me.

God doesn't stop me from going into the horrible valley, instead he comes with me. Does he always let the bad things come? I don’t think so – there is a lot of good my world. Does he stop all the bad from coming if I sincerely ask him? Obviously not.

King David also said: I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my defense, he has become my salvation.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

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Psalm 23 - Monday

If nothing else, King David was a literary genius. He wrote things three thousand years ago that I think about right now. I decided I want to look at various Psalms in the coming months.

For as much as I read the Bible, I haven’t read Psalms very much. They have never resonated with me. Life during the past year has shown me that I can’t just live on the thinking level - I need the feeling one too.

I will start with popular one, the 23rd Psalm…

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

God gives me what I need, takes care of my soul, and shows me where I should go.

The phrase ending phrase “for his name’s sake” is a mystery to me. It’s very similar to the beginning of the Lord’s prayer below: “your name is holy”. What is it about God’s name that is so important? When Moses asked God what his name is, he replied, “My name is ‘I am who I am’”. There is so much writing on this topic that it’s more confusing to me than helpful, so I will think of it this way: Gods says that his name is his identity.

I need God. My identity is wrapped up in his identity.

With God, I have what I need in life, not matter where I’m at.

Without God, not matter how good, popular, or successful I am, I don’t have what I really need.
 

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Mondays | God is great – I’m in chaos

- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God

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The Curse - Monday

The Curse in Genesis 3 was God’s response to Adam and Eve’s disobedience – The Fall.

There are a variety of things I have observed in this story. The one that stands out to me the most: The curse was God’s choice - It didn’t happen automatically.

The first curse:

So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.”

I can see God saying to the snake, “You tempted them to eat the fruit, so you can eat dirt. You are the most cursed.”

Then he says, “I will create ongoing hostility between you and mankind – you will continue to attack each other.” I think he is telling Satan, “This is your new role. I will use you as part of my plan to harass and test mankind. You will create chaos for them.”

If God didn’t want all this to happen, why did he allow it? My only answer is that’s the way he is. He lets war, famine, crime, abuse, sickness, pain – all kinds of terrible things go on. I believe he is powerful enough to stop all of it right now, but that’s obviously not the way he does things.

Here is part of his plan for saving us:

Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

The more I read the bible and consider it actually says, the less comfortable I am with it. It’s unsettling.

 

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Mondays | God is great – I’m in chaos

- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God

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Caleb's Birthday

What do I write on a day like this, on the birthday of my son, Caleb, I lost almost 10 months ago?

I'm not sure. There are too many things to consider. I guess I don't have to write everything today, but I do want to capture my memories of Caleb - I worry I will loose some of them if I don't. I think I'm coming to the point sometime soon where I can start.

For today, for me, I want to remember my weekly prayer to God for my family...

God,

Bless my kids - Josh, Sam and Nathan. Bless Becky. They belong to you. Reach out to them, show them you love them. 

Forgive them where they have made mistakes. Take the burden of sin off of them - free them from it. Forgive because of your love and mercy, not because of anything they have done. Forgive them by grace, even when they can't ask for it.

My greatest desire is that they will connect with you in this life and for eternity. Connect with them, show them life - the life will be far beyond anything they can imagine.

I would give my own eternal life for theirs, if it were possible. Help me to give my life today for them, to do whatever I can to love them, encourage them and build them up. Help me to be kind and forgiving. I fail often - give me the strength to not give up - to keep going.

Thank you for Caleb being in our family, even though the time was too short. I will miss him every day of my life here. If possible, tell him I love him, care about him and miss him. He sees you clearly as you are.

We have been damaged as a family - I hope somehow good comes of it. It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

Happy birthday Caleb. I miss you.

You always loved your birthday and getting presents, but I can't give you any that are wrapped up today. I can only tell you I love you.

Love, Dad

The Fall - Sunday

After God's questions and their answers, God inflicts the curse on mankind. Note that the curse is in three statements that follow the same pattern I've looked at this week. Next week I hope to look at it in depth.

Inflicting a curse doesn't seem to be a way to declare peace. On the surface it looks like the opposite.

I see the curse as a means to an end - that end being peace and eternity with God.

At the end of this section, God says: “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.”

So we are banned from the garden and cursed to struggle through this life. He didn't want us to stay in this state for eternity. He planned on resolving it - which involves our physical death, like it or not.

After looking at this for the past couple of weeks, here is what I think: 

• The only way we can grow is with testing as part of the process. 
• God intended for us to pass the test and eventually come to the realization that the tree of life was our destiny - then reach out and eat from it.
• He is not going to let our failure stop his plan, so he also planned for our "redemption" - our coming back to him through his own effort and sacrifice.
• Ultimately, we will reach out and eat from the the tree of life.

I think it's no mistake that in the very last chapter of the Bible it says: "On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse."

The curse is a tactic, a mitigation, to bring us to eternal life and peace with God.

God, thank you.

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Sundays | When I make peace, I partner with God
- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God
- For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever

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The Fall - Saturday

God's third question and their answer:

Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

I think Eve's response is slightly better than Adam's. She isn't blaming someone she has a relationship with - Adam or God - I think she is talking about being defeated.

Jesus said in the sixth Beatitude: Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God

One of the interesting things about this story is that it doesn't give a whole lot of detail. I see it as very sophisticated in the message, but it leaves a lot of room for speculation. I end up writing "I think" a lot...

I think she is saying she did not have the capacity to resist the temptation - that she couldn't overpower Satan. A point of note: the temptation of Jesus was a "rerun" of this one (same pattern), but he did not fail.

It's an interesting idea to substitute Jesus responses to his temptation for Eve's in this story:

Satan said to Eve: “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” You should be able to eat anything you want.

Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” What God says is more important than food.

Satan said to Eve: “You will not certainly die." God wouldn't follow through on his threat if you disobey.

Jesus answered Satan, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” Believe what God says, don't test Him.

Satan said to Eve: “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” You will be God's equal. 

Jesus said to Satan, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” I am not His equal. I worship and obey Him.

Why weren't Adam and Eve able to stand up to this test like Jesus did? I don't know. I don't think its just about saying the right (magic) words. It's about being fully dedicated to God's agenda, not my own.

God, help me to withstand temptation. Help me to be driven by your agenda, not my own.

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Saturdays | My influence is good, and God will expand it
- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God
- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

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The Fall - Friday

God's second question and their answer:

And God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Adam's response: God, you and the woman are to blame for this. It's everyone's fault but mine.

Eve did give him the fruit, but he's not interested in taking any responsibility.

Jesus said in the fifth Beatitude: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

After sinning, Adam believed that throwing his wife under the bus might get him somewhere. He showed "no mercy".

I think most people despise those who throw others under the bus. We instinctively know its wrong.

Yet I have still done it. I often do it my thoughts - my "prayers".

    - If my wife were different...
    - If my kids were different...
    - If my friends were different...
    - If my church was different...
    - If my work was different...
    - If my world was different...

... then all these negative things wouldn't be in my life. It's pretty easy for me to buy into the lie.

But God has shown me that mercy and forgiveness (taking and receiving), build up my life. These free me and bring me joy. Great people forgive great wrongs.

God, help me to forgive every last little thing that has ever been wrongly done to me.

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Fridays | My relationships are good, and God will build them up
- Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy
- And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors

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The Fall - Thursday

God's first question and their answer:

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

Adam and Eve went from "owning" almost everything in the garden to feeling exposed and hiding the bushes. They went from being full to being empty.

In the fourth Beatitude, Jesus said: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Adam and Eve had a hunger for evil, and they believed it would give them more than they already had. I have to admit I'm right there, often believing the lie. Evil only took the good things away.

God asks them "Where are you?"

This has become one of the most significant questions in my spiritual life. I've discovered it's not my place to ask God "Where are you?", it's my place ask God, "Where am I? You are exactly where you belong."

Adam answers that he is now afraid of God and is hiding. His faith has been broken. It isn't that he no longer "believes in God", it's that he no longer willing to approach him.

God, I'm often in the wrong place. I'm often unwilling to approach you. I'm often feel empty.

God, you've shown me you are right here with me. You are approachable. You want the best for me.

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Thursdays | My heart is hungry for good, and God will fill it
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled
- Give us today our daily bread

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The Fall - Wednesday

The third test:

The serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

The interesting thing about this part of the deception is that it is literally true. The lie is the implication that good will come of disobedience, not bad.

Jesus said in the third Beatitude: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth

I think this Beatitude clearly portrays God's intention in this situation: "I have given you the power to disobey, don't use it. Do as I say, and you will inherit everything that's good in time."

Satan is saying: Cursed are the willingly obedient, they lose out.

Some interesting correlations (at least to me):

• The third thing Jesus tells us to pray is to have God's will done on earth - in other words, to obey what he's told us.
• The third day of creation is where God divides the land and sea. Later in the bible God tells Job, that he set limits for the sea and told it to obey: "here is where your proud waves halt".
• In the third temptation of Jesus, Satan offers him all the kingdoms of the earth “if you will bow down and worship me.” - to throw off obedience to God.
• The third thing Jesus says to Paul in his conversion is to get up off the ground and obey. At that point, Paul's eyes are "closed", where in this story, Adam and Eve's eyes are "opened". Too many correlations to consider at once...

At the heart of this, I think God is saying to me, "You need to obey me willingly. You have the power to disobey - don't use it - set it aside."

Here is my struggle: I often knowingly do wrong, thinking it's a shortcut to get what I think is "good". One of the worst areas has been me pushing my agenda on others, especially Becky and the kids - God forgive me.

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Wednesdays | My influence is in chaos, and God wants to set things right
- Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth
- Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven

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The Fall - Tuesday

The second test:

The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.

Jesus said in the second Beatitude: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

I think Satan is saying to her: God will not separate himself from you over this. There will be no mourning if you eat the fruit.

It's easy for me to get wrapped up the small details of stories in the Bible, maybe too much. That being said, here are two things I think are really interesting:

• Where is the tree of life in all of this? Eve say's "the tree in the middle of the garden". There are two trees. I get a picture of her being so obsessed with the one thing she can't have, that she has totally overlooked the free offer of the fruit of life. 

• Eve says "we must not touch it". I have read how this was a mistake by adding to what God said. I guess if I start amending God's instructions, there will be no end to it.

This is not a "primitive" story. This is a story every parent today tries to teach their kids as they grow up: Don't get blinded to what you have right in front of you, by what you're obsessed over. Don't make the choices that lead to pain - don't investigate evil.

This is a story that applies to my life everyday.

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Tuesdays | My relationships are in chaos, and God wants to change them
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
- Your kingdom come

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The Fall - Monday

It's interesting that the first conversations between God and people in the bible are really negative: The fall of Adam and Eve, and when Cain kills his brother Abel. This occurs right after God said everything he created was very good.

I found some information on "good" used in Genesis - it means functional, complete, works well. Also, the word "evil" in means dysfunctional, works poorly.

I think both these stories represent the exact opposite of what God wants from me. As with my other writing, I'll use the Beatitudes as my lens to look at it this week.

The first test:

Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

... The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

... Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

There are so many interesting things to consider here. These are my top ones:

• Where is God during this conversation? Absent.
• God made the "crafty" serpent.
• The tree God told them not to touch is right in the middle of the garden - not out of the way or fenced off.
• The tree of life is there for the taking and gets ignored.

This is a set-up - a test.

I believe God orchestrated the whole thing, and serpent (Satan) is his agent. God is not the victim of a "crafty devil", as if he were powerless or caught off guard. This testing is obviously his intention. A note - Satan takes on the same role in the testing of Jesus, also in Job. 

Satan tries to convince Eve she is poor, that she's blocked from fruit of the trees in the Garden. If fact, she had everything - including the tree of life - except this one thing. She is rich.

Jesus said in the first Beatitude: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God

I think Satan is saying to her: Cursed are the rich, because there is one thing in God's kingdom you can't have.

I spend a lot of time worrying about what I don't have, rather than what I do have. I think about what's been taken from me far more than I consider what is still mine. It leads to chaos...

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Mondays | My heart is in chaos, and God wants to change it
- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God
- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

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A hard day & week

I have tried my best not to make the loss of my son Caleb the constant topic of my conversations and writing. It could easily become an obsession, and I fight against it every day. It's with me every time I wake up and again as I fall asleep.

There are days like today, and weeks like this one, where I miss him so much. I don't know what triggers it - why this week and not last week - but when it comes, it comes like a freight train.

After nine months, I still struggle to understand what I'm to do with all this misery and loss. I see everyone in our family hurting over it, and there is no fixing it. If I could, I would take every bit of it on myself - but that's not an option. I can see more of it on the way in the coming months.

This is a nightmare.

I'm not without hope, but that doesn't solve what hurts. God is often very close to me, and I'm thankful for that. I don't know why he's chosen me in this way - I just accept it. He doesn't restore the amputation - he helps me figure out how to live with it and learn from it.

King David wrote: The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry; but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to blot out their name from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Not that I'm a righteous person: So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness."

So I come back to the simplest of points: I trust God and believe he will take care of all of us. Faith like a child is all I really have.

Revelation - Letter Seven

This letter is about peace.

The seventh Beatitude: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God

The seventh letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Jesus says, "You think you're rich, but you're actually poor." This makes me ask myself: Are there things that I think are worth something to God that he thinks are worthless? I think should I ask what they are, not if they exist...

Then he goes on to say, "Do business with me. Buy the things from me that are worth something - the things that will make you whole and heal you."

He tells them he loves them, and with that comes discipline. Finally he says that he is ready to come in and spend time with them, be friends with them, make peace with them.

In biblical times, to eat together was a sign of friendship and peace.

Isaiah wrote:

On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine - the best of meats and the finest of wines. On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken.

In that day they will say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”

God, I look forward to that day. We sit and eat with you face to face.

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Sundays | When I make peace, I partner with God
- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God
- For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever

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Revelation - Letter Six

This letter is about honesty.

The sixth Beatitude: Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God

The sixth letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:

These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars - I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come on the whole world to test the inhabitants of the earth.

I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. The one who is victorious I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will they leave it. I will write on them the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on them my new name. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Points of honesty:
    - These are the words of Jesus, who is holy and true.
    - You have kept my word and not denied me.
    - Those that lie will be made to tell the truth.

I really like the imagery of the door no one can shut and being a pillar in temple of God. I think he's saying, you have access to the presence of God - you will get to see him forever.

God, I want to see you forever. I don't want distance or barriers between us.

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Saturdays | My influence is good, and God will expand it
- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God
- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

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Revelation - Letter Five

This letter is about God's mercy.

The fifth Beatitude: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

The fifth letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Sardis write:

These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have found your deeds unfinished in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; hold it fast, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you.

Yet you have a few people in Sardis who have not soiled their clothes. They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy. The one who is victorious will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out the name of that person from the book of life, but will acknowledge that name before my Father and his angels. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Jesus calls them hypocrites. They are in such a bad state that they are about to die. What does he ask them to do? Wake up and strengthen what they do have.

Does he ask them to make up for what they have done wrong? No.

Does he tell them they are going to pay some price for their foolishness? No.

Does he tell them since they have failed there is no longer any hope? No.

He is merciful. He only asked for their willingness to see their real state and change - and live.

He also makes it clear that if they are not willing, they will pay a price in the future.

I feel this time and again: God says "Come to me. All I ask is willingness to look at yourself, change and live - everything is forgiven."

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Fridays | My relationships are good, and God will build them up
- Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy
- And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors

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Revelation - Letter Four

This letter is about being dedicated to doing good.

The fourth Beatitude: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled

The fourth letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Thyatira write:

These are the words of the Son of God, whose eyes are like blazing fire and whose feet are like burnished bronze. I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first.

Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophet. By her teaching she misleads my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols. I have given her time to repent of her immorality, but she is unwilling. So I will cast her on a bed of suffering, and I will make those who commit adultery with her suffer intensely, unless they repent of her ways. I will strike her children dead. Then all the churches will know that I am he who searches hearts and minds, and I will repay each of you according to your deeds.

Now I say to the rest of you in Thyatira, to you who do not hold to her teaching and have not learned Satan’s so-called deep secrets, ‘I will not impose any other burden on you, except to hold on to what you have until I come.’

To the one who is victorious and does my will to the end, I will give authority over the nations - that one ‘will rule them with an iron scepter and will dash them to pieces like pottery’ - just as I have received authority from my Father. I will also give that one the morning star. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Jesus says:
    - You are growing in doing good, but you still tolerate evil.
    - That evil will lead good people to do bad things.
    - I will stomp out the evil myself.
    - I will make those got involved with it suffer, so they go back and do good again.
    - To those who don't tolerate evil, just keep doing the good your doing.

God, help me to want to do good and actually do it. Search my heart and mind - cut out the bad and fill me with your spirit.

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Thursdays | My heart is hungry for good, and God will fill it
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled
- Give us today our daily bread

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