A Year of Misery

I have thought a lot about writing this post - so much that I have decided I can't really do justice to how I have felt over the past year. I lost one of my sons, Caleb, a year ago this Wednesday. All I can do is try to make a few notes about where I'm at right now.

My main motivation for doing this is my other kids. There are things I can share in writing I may not be able to say. There are things I want to say that they can't bear to hear right now. Hopefully at some point this will be valuable to them and maybe will do some good.

Every day has its times of misery - sometimes only a few minutes, sometime hours. I most often keep my tears to myself - for good or bad, that's who I am. I work hard to not let it consume me.

I miss Caleb. I want him back in my life. I feel cheated.

I love Josh, Sam and Nathan more than ever. Knowing in my heart and soul - not just my head - that they may not always be there, drives me to want to do everything I can for them. I see you hurt, and I can't fix it - but I hope I can help you with it.

I'm sad for Becky. Her heart, like mine, is broken over this. She and I often have to put our own concerns on hold and take care of our family. She is God's hands to the rest of us.

Sometimes I think I'm only a step away from going insane, of giving up, or just doing nothing. I guess I won't take that step, it would be selfish and cause even more misery for my family. My responsibilities are part of my salvation.

I'm filled with guilt, and it won't go away any time in the foreseeable future. I feel guilt about how I could have been a better dad, and maybe what I could have done to prevent this. I feel guilt over the the pain everyone feels. I feel guilt when I'm happy and enjoying myself.

I used to love fall. I have discovered for the time being, I hate it.

I loved skiing with Caleb. I hope I can learn to like it again - not sure right now.

I hope at this point anyone reading this is not thinking they should encourage me to not be miserable, feel guilty, or continue to be sad. I know it would be done with the best of intentions and also come from pure ignorance. There are times in life to suffer - this is my time. I accept it, I hope I'm worthy of it.

Where is God is all of this? Where he always has been - everywhere, including right here.

Has my faith grown? Been lost? I think it's been refined some - I can't judge myself objectively. I know it's different.

How can I believe in a God that would allow this to happen to me? I have come to understand that suffering, as well as love, are core to the way he works. How can God be "close to the broken hearted" or "with me in the valley of the shadow of death" unless he deliberately allowed me to be there? I accept it.

So what's good?

Our friends have been so good to us. There have been so many people that have stood beside us. They have made it their business to make sure we are OK. I haven't said thank you enough.

Our church, not just as a set of individuals, but as an organization - a body - has been very good to us. I know they pray for us often. They have let both Becky and I continue to serve and not insisted we "just rest" - they have allowed us to maintain self-respect.

We have survived. I can't think of much worse circumstances than this - we are still here.

God, even though I'm now somewhat afraid of him, is very close to me. I can feel him bump against me. I see him as good and kind and loving and scary. It's not surprising the creator of the universe is complex.

God has chosen to tell me a few things this past year. The thing he has told me that is the most significant: "Part of you has died with your son, it needs to grow back in the form of kindness. You will become a different person." I'm still trying to understand this.

I have a lot more in my head, but this will do for now.

God, help me to be good to my family, appreciate my friends, and be obedient to you - regardless of good or bad that comes my way.