A hard day & week

I have tried my best not to make the loss of my son Caleb the constant topic of my conversations and writing. It could easily become an obsession, and I fight against it every day. It's with me every time I wake up and again as I fall asleep.

There are days like today, and weeks like this one, where I miss him so much. I don't know what triggers it - why this week and not last week - but when it comes, it comes like a freight train.

After nine months, I still struggle to understand what I'm to do with all this misery and loss. I see everyone in our family hurting over it, and there is no fixing it. If I could, I would take every bit of it on myself - but that's not an option. I can see more of it on the way in the coming months.

This is a nightmare.

I'm not without hope, but that doesn't solve what hurts. God is often very close to me, and I'm thankful for that. I don't know why he's chosen me in this way - I just accept it. He doesn't restore the amputation - he helps me figure out how to live with it and learn from it.

King David wrote: The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry; but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to blot out their name from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Not that I'm a righteous person: So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness."

So I come back to the simplest of points: I trust God and believe he will take care of all of us. Faith like a child is all I really have.