Possible and impossible

The other day I was talking to God about all sorts of things, and I believe I heard him say, "You take care of the possible, I will take care of the impossible."

I have two things I often struggle with: Focusing on things that I know I can't change, and not doing the good things I know I can do. I waste tons of energy on the impossible, and pass right by the possible.

So I have decided to purse the possible to the best of my ability. To be kind, love, encourage, give - do good where I can. I hope to actually see the needs around me and act on them. 

I think my assumptions about God have been way far off the mark. No matter what common sense tells me, I still go back to the false idea that God needs me somehow to take action. He is immeasurably far out in front of me on anything that is good. He wants me to follow him, do good where I can, and grow from it. 

Paul wrote this to the Philippians:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I think he's saying, "Don't worry, instead let God know your concerns about the things you can't change - the impossible. You focus on doing good things, and God will be with you."

My God, why have you forsaken me?

While on the cross, Jesus cried out: My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? 

In other words:

Where are you?
Why have you left me?
Why have you abandoned me?

I think for those who followed Jesus, this could have been the most terrifying and sad thing he could have said. I can imagine them thinking:

Was he just a man after all - not God?
Was he crumbling in midst of pain and death?
Have I put my faith in nothing, a lie?

To yell this out seems very out of character for Jesus. Up this point, he was resolute about going to the cross to die. I would expect that he would at least say it silently to himself in his agony. 

He made sure people heard it.

One thousand years before, King David wrote a number of songs that the Jews sang during the time of Jesus. One of those songs (Psalm 22) starts this way: My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? 

It describes the crucifixion of Jesus, and states that God is in control. It says people from all over the earth will turn to Him...

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?
My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the one Israel praises.
In you our ancestors put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.
To you they cried out and were saved; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
“He trusts in the Lord,” they say, “let the Lord rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him.”

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
From birth I was cast on you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help.

Many bulls surround me; strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
Roaring lions that tear their prey open their mouths wide against me.
I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax; it has melted within me.
My mouth is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth; you lay me in the dust of death.

Dogs surround me, a pack of villains encircles me; they pierce my hands and my feet.
All my bones are on display; people stare and gloat over me.
They divide my clothes among them and cast lots for my garment.

But you, Lord, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
Deliver me from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs.
Rescue me from the mouth of the lions; save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

I will declare your name to my people; in the assembly I will praise you.
You who fear the Lord, praise him! All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly; before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.
The poor will eat and be satisfied; those who seek the Lord will praise him - may your hearts live forever!

All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the Lord, and all the families of the nations
will bow down before him, for dominion belongs to the Lord and he rules over the nations.

All the rich of the earth will feast and worship; all who go down to the dust will kneel before him - those who cannot keep themselves alive.
Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord.
They will proclaim his righteousness, declaring to a people yet unborn:
He has done it!

If I were there, maybe hiding nearby like one of the disciples, I would hope to hear something that would reassure me in my doubt. Jesus crying out the start of this song would prompt me to remember the rest of it: This is was the way things were supposed to happen, and people had been singing about it for a thousand years.

It's very easy for me to question my faith - I often do. I think God expects that, and he provides things like this to reassure me that I'm not a fool.

He has done it!

Life is too Long

I often say to myself that life is too short...

Too short to let small or trivial things affect me. 

Too short not to spend time with people I care about.

Too short not to do the right thing when I see it. 

Too short not to spend time alone with God.

It struck me this week that life is not too short - it's too long.

Life is infinitely big and long and important. C. S. Lewis said:

Christianity asserts that every individual human being is going to live for ever, and this must be either true or false. Now there are a good many things which would not be worth bothering about if I were going to live only seventy years, but which I had better bother about very seriously if I am going to live for ever.

When Jesus was talking about being generous, he said:

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I think he is saying, "Life's not short, life's long. Live like it's forever."

Believing in a short life leads me to focus on whatever I can do or experience now. The "bucket list" fad seems to be an artifact of the belief in a brief existence. I believe in a long existence - infinitely long.

Jesus told a parable that's actually a bit disturbing, where he commends cheating now to gain a better destiny. It's starting to make a bit more sense to me...

Jesus told his disciples: “There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, ‘What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.’

“The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I’m not strong enough to dig, and I’m ashamed to beg - I know what I’ll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.’

“So he called in each one of his master’s debtors. He asked the first, ‘How much do you owe my master?’

“‘Nine hundred gallons of olive oil,’ he replied.

“The manager told him, ‘Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred and fifty.’

“Then he asked the second, ‘And how much do you owe?’

“‘A thousand bushels of wheat,’ he replied.

“He told him, ‘Take your bill and make it eight hundred.’

“The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

The Pharisees, who loved money, heard all this and were sneering at Jesus. He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God’s sight.

Life is too long...

Too long to let small or trivial things affect me. 

Too long not to spend time with people I care about.

Too long not to do the right thing when I see it. 

Too long not to spend time alone with God.

Loyalty

A friend of mine left his wife recently. It's a terrible thing - for her, for the kids, for him. It's a slow-motion train wreck that I have watched happen, and I seem powerless to help stop it.

I'm not here to diagnose why it happened or suggest a way to resolve it. Those kind of topics are way out of my league.

I'm trying to understand my obligation to him, to God, to myself.

What does my friend want from me?

He seems to be OK with me praying for him and sending him notes once in a while. He's not interested in meeting face-to-face. I can't tell if he want's me to continue or stop. I don't know if he can articulate it.

So, if you are reading this, and you are my friend, and you are a married, I would appreciate you providing some clear instruction on what you want me to do if you choose to leave your spouse in the future. I'm asking you to write it down or tell me before you head down that path. If not me, consider confiding in someone else.

If you send something to me, I will keep it, and I promise to follow-up on it. I will be loyal - and I will honor your request:

- To be left alone
- To be listened to and understood
- To be pursued

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I would like to think I'm the guy that would never leave. Unfortunately, I've come to the point where I realize I'm at much at risk as anyone else. I've spent many years considering myself better than others - not very smart.

So here is what I want...

Pray for me, that I would be faithful. Remind me of it from time to time.

If you sense something isn't "right", be quick to ask me what's going on. Don't think "something isn't right" and fail to say something. Ask me questions that get to my heart. If I answer with surface, theoretical, theological - whatever dodge I come up with - don't accept it. Keep digging.

If I say I'm thinking about leaving - pursue me. If I ask to be left alone, don't do it. Don't give up on me. Gang up on me.

If I finally do leave - side with my wife, side with my kids. Stick this post in my face. Remind me of how this is hurting a wide range of people. Acknowledge my misery and if possible, make it worse.

Remind me of God's grace and forgiveness - extend it to me. Beg me to repent. If I do, forgive me and help me put it all back together.

Love me enough to never give up on me. Please be loyal to me.

We are all in the same boat, in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty. - G.K. Chesterton

Friend?

A guy I work with has come up to me a couple of times in the past few months and said, "We should go to lunch sometime." I've answered "OK", but I haven't really intended to spend any time with him. My reason: before I lost my son, we had started to get to know each other, but afterwards he wouldn't come near me.

Maybe he was afraid.

Maybe he didn't know what to say.

Maybe he had a similar loss he wasn't willing to revisit.

I honestly don't know.

I know this happens to a lot of people experiencing loss - they have some "friends" that just don't show up. When trouble comes, they disappear. 

I'm lucky, I've had a number of friends that have hung in there with me. That being said, I've been trying to decide what my response should be to this guy.

I have to admit, my first thoughts have been along the lines of not wanting to waste my time with him. I've considered telling him he might work on being a better friend to others in the future, hopefully with some kindness on my part.

There is only one problem in deciding what I should do: I have done the same thing myself.

A few years ago, a friend of mine lost his wife - a good friend - and I didn't reach out to him for quite a long time. Why? 

Maybe I was afraid.

Maybe I didn't know what to say.

I had never experienced a similar loss.

I honestly don't know - I failed.

How has he responded to me? He's said nothing, only continued to extend friendship. No questions, no embarrassment. He give me time to gain the courage to be the friend I should have been all along. Until recently, I didn't comprehend the grace he'd given me.

It's an ongoing challenge to not think of myself as better than other people.

Jesus said: Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

I guess I've figured out my response.

A Year of Grief: Minefield

I've decided to write a series of posts on living for just over a year with the loss of one of my sons. These are topics that I think are significant in my journey.

Please go here for the introduction.

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Minefield

I feel like I have been dropped in the middle of a minefield – and no matter which direction I choose, I’m going to get hurt. There have been so many decisions we have had to make that lead to pain regardless of our choice. I will give only a few examples, but there are seemingly endless…

Christmas: Do we hang up is stocking or not? If we hang it up, do we put something in it or not? If we put something in it, what do we do with it?

This situation would have seemed trivial to me before my son died. Now I know it’s not. There are all the memories of years past and knowing there will be no future. If it does go up, its “there” after all the ones have taken down by everyone else. We did end up putting it up, and decided we always will. I just sat on the couch and stared at it for a number of hours on Christmas day.

More mines to be stepped on...

Do we attend his high school graduation or not?

Do we clean out his room or not?

Do we give away some of his clothes or not?

What do I say when people ask how many kids I have? What do I say when they ask what they are doing?

Do I keep bringing up my grief with my friends (who are true friends and will listen) or not? Are they just being nice to me? Am I straining our friendship? Can I trust them to tell me when it’s too much? Do I avoid people to try to avoid more mines exploding?

The problem is that every one of these questions, and dozens of others, induce pain. The questions and decisions awaken all kinds of grief. This has happened to me all the time in this first year - continual mines to be stepped on and little bits of me are being blown off.

Before this happened, I would have have given others this advice: Trust God and he will lead you out of the minefield - if you just ask. I now understand that’s insanity. I can trust God all day long, and I will still be hurt by all these things. He has not provided me with some “spiritual map” to guide me safely out if the minefield. He doesn't give me “spiritual anesthetic” to make me think the pain is joy.  I think he is saying “Suffering is your place for the time being. Bear it. Learn from it. Do what good you can in the midst of it.”

I think I will eventually find my way out it with God's help, and I'll never be the same as I was before I found myself there.

Doing Good

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said:

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

In the book of John Jesus also said:

As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

Right after he said this, he healed a man from blindness.

This thought came to me a few months ago, and I have continued to wrestle with it: Everyone who is alive - every single person - is a possible redemption story. I think if we draw breath, God is pursuing us, desiring to give us love and eternity. In a complex, difficult world it's hard for me to come to grips with this idea - but I can't let go of it.

So what does this mean?

I have an obligation to do good, all the time, whenever I can. It's what I was made for. God has given me his spirit and it needs to come out. If it doesn't, I'm "keeping my light under a bowl".

Paul wrote:

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

God, help me in my daily battle with selfishness. It's easy for me to see the good should do, but it's hard to do it. I want to see every person I know as valuable and worth doing good to.

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Sundays | God will set things right – I want to join him

- For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever

- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God

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Salt of the Earth

In the sermon on the mount, after Jesus gave the Beatitudes (the blessings) he said:

You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

Like a lot of things he said, this is somewhat cryptic and likely had cultural themes that might be hard to understand today.

What's the reference to salt all about? 

In the book of Leviticus, when God was teaching his people about how they were to present offerings, he said:

Season all your grain offerings with salt. Do not leave the salt of the covenant of your God out of your grain offerings; add salt to all your offerings.

Also in the book of Numbers, he said to the priests:

Whatever is set aside from the holy offerings the Israelites present to the Lord I give to you and your sons and daughters as your perpetual share. It is an everlasting covenant of salt before the Lord for both you and your offspring. The Lord said to Aaron, “You will have no inheritance in their land, nor will you have any share among them; I am your share and your inheritance among the Israelites.

So God said:

• To those who have land and possessions, flavor everything you offer to me with salt.
• For those who have no land or possessions (the priests) you will live off of what the others have offered to me - an "agreement of salt". 

I'm sure there are dozens of ways to interpret this. Here is my view (for today)...

I'm supposed to be the "salt" in some of the things God gives to people. His blessing and goodness don't just come magically from heaven - I don't think they would fulfill their purpose. I'm called to be part of the giving process. Everything comes from God, but he wants me to put "my flavor" on it.

This isn't such a crazy idea. When our kids were little, we could go with them to buy presents for each other at Christmas. Even though the money came from me, I wanted them to pick the gift out, wrap it and give it. Why? So they would be part of the process - it's obviously good for the giver and receiver.

As as Jesus said, if I loose my flavor, what's the point. My effort won't build people up, it will just cause trouble, I will get stepped on, and the process will be worthless. 

Paul said:

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

God, help me to give often and give with a good heart.

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Sundays | God will set things right – I want to join him

- For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever

- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God

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A Gift for Christmas

Holidays are still difficult for us as a family. It's hard to figure out how to navigate our way through them in the midst of working out our grief. It's very easy to get focused on loss and miss the good that is still there.

God gave us a gift for Christmas to help us get through it and experience some joy. I'm absolutely convinced the gift came from his hand to help us find our way.

The gift was a person: My daughter, Samantha, brought home a student from another country during vacation - Shahd.

The family she lives with at OSU got a surprise gift of a trip to another country and her roommate was going back home, which would leave her alone for three weeks on vacation. So she joined us for the holidays. It was so nice to have her with us - and in a very short time I felt like she was part of our family.

I believe:

By God's hand Shahd and Sam become friends over the few months.
By God's hand she needed somewhere to stay.
By God's spirit Samantha invited her to come stay with us.
By God's spirit Shahd agreed to come.
By God's spirit we came to think of her as part of our family in a very short time.

Do I think God always sets things up for me so I will be happy? No - but in some cases I think he makes that choice. I don't claim to know how he works, I can only see the outcomes.

God, thank you for Samantha and her willingness to reach out to someone. Thank you for Shahd and her time with us this Christmas. Thank you for taking care of all of us.

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Sundays | God will set things right – I want to join him

- For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever

- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God

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Secret

Jesus said:

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 

And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

My confession:

I love to be seen as good, godly, and wise by others. 

I want people to notice the good I do and compliment me – and then I want to respond by “Oh no, I’m not good at all, it’s God in my life.” I’m hoping I get to have my Christian cake and eat it too. 

God just isn't enough for me a lot of the time. It’s not very motivating to do things in secret and only get silence back. I don’t really believe there is has to be a trade-off in only telling him verses telling others too.

Being a “mature Christian”, I like to justify this by telling myself I need to be an example to others. It’s my responsibility. I think I’m insightful enough to know when to set aside the words of Jesus for the sake of “discipleship”. 

I even like the idea of people reading this, thinking “only the most committed practice any sort of confession”. Lucky James wrote: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed – so maybe I can get away with it and still receive some approval from God. I’m only about half sarcastic here…

As David wrote: The Lord looks down from heaven on all mankind to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. All have turned away, all have become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one.

I’m lucky there’s forgiveness if I confess.

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Mondays | God is great – I’m in chaos

- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God

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Do Not Judge

This passage is from the first major teaching of Jesus in the Bible…

The beginning is really familiar. The first sentence is often quoted – probably not in the best of circumstances:

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

The second part is straightforward - I need to clean up my own act before I try to help someone clean up theirs, or I’m a hypocrite:

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

And the third part seems to not fit, and I have often wondered about it:

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

I’m 100% sure the “Do not judge”, statement has no place in me telling someone not to judge me. Just a couple of of minutes before Jesus said, “But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

The third part – the strange statements – ended up being the key for me to understand this. It says don’t take something really valuable and throw it away. You will lose it, and maybe you will get destroyed in the process.

So what is this valuable thing he’s referring to? Think it’s this:

I get to decide how God is going to judge me at the end of my life.

He says, “I give you this gift – you get to set the standard that determines your destiny. It’s the standard you hold in your heart, the one you really believe in, the one you use with others.”

• If I forgive, God forgives me
• If I hold a grudge, God holds a grudge against me
• If I look beyond people failings, sin, problems – he looks beyond mine
• If I turn my cheek when treated poorly – he will turn his when I treat him poorly
• If I play a game and say I forgive, but really I don’t – he will play the game with me

This scares me. It’s really hard for me to look at myself objectively regarding how I judge others. Hence the middle part – I need to clean up my act so I can see clearly.

But I’m not honest with myself! I know I will screw it up.

I believe Jesus knew that if we really thought about this, we would come to this conclusion and the associated fear. So he said this next:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

God, I’m asking you to help me have real forgiveness for everyone - to hold no overt, subtle or subconscious grudges. Not easy.
 

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Saturdays | God desires obedience – I want to be obedient

- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God

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Pray for Me

Over the past year, I have had a number of people ask me, "How can I pray for you?"

It's a really good question, and I've spent a lot of time considering it. When someone talks to the Creator of everything on my behalf, what do I want them to say?

So if you are willing...

That my sins would be forgiven - that my burden would be lifted.
    - That I would confess all my sins to God weekly
    - That I would call on God, even in the midst of failure
    - That I would struggle against sin - that I would fight hard

That I would be obedient.
    - That I would focus on the needs of others, not myself
    - That I would do the specific things I know God has asked me to do
    - That I would always be faithful to my wife, my family, my friends

That I would be kind and compassionate.
    - This is my struggle, my weakness - and my greatest opportunity for good
    - That I would reach out to others when they need help
    - That I would bless others often and pray for them

That God would be with me, talk to me, and influence me.

As for my circumstances - good and bad - I leave those to God. He knows better than I if I should experience joy, pain or both.

The Shema - Tuesday

The Shema:

Listen, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord is one. 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

These commands that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

For today: “The Lord is our God”.

Paul said to the Greeks:

The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

The one who created the universe and everything in it is our God – we are his people. To repeat what I wrote yesterday, he is not distant or aloof. He says, “you belong to me, I want you to be close to me.”

King David wrote: Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Also in the Psalms, someone (author not known) wrote:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. 

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. 

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

In both these passages, I don’t see God stopping trouble from coming into my life. I will have burdens to bear, difficult things will happen in my world. I see something much larger here than immediate protection from trouble. This is about eternity. This is about having a destiny that is beyond

God, be my fortress.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

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The Shema - Monday

I have been reading through Deuteronomy the past few weeks. Chapter 6 has one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. It’s referred to as the Shema – Hebrew for “Listen”

Listen, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord is one.  

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 

These commands that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  

Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

It speaks of who God is, how we should love him, and how we should fill our lives with what he tells us.

For today, I’m focusing on “Listen, O Israel”

God says, “Listen to me.”

God is willing to talk with us – he is not far off, silent or non-existent. He is near and wants to talk with us. When God communicated with Israel in this passage, they are in the wilderness - they were being punished for earlier foolishness. It doesn't matter, he still wants to talk with them.

The essence of the Gospel – the good news from God – is that he reaches out to us, initiates with us, want to communicate with us, based on his love, not our performance.

When I’m being really honest with myself, I acknowledge that there are things I do well, but there are so many areas where I fall incredibly short. I often ask God why he doesn't just write me off – he’s got to have better options.

Does he want me to do well? Yes, of course. Does he require it to connect with me? No, I can never be good enough.

God, thanks for reaching out to me based on your love, not my performance.

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Mondays | God is great – I’m in chaos

- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God

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A Year of Misery

I have thought a lot about writing this post - so much that I have decided I can't really do justice to how I have felt over the past year. I lost one of my sons, Caleb, a year ago this Wednesday. All I can do is try to make a few notes about where I'm at right now.

My main motivation for doing this is my other kids. There are things I can share in writing I may not be able to say. There are things I want to say that they can't bear to hear right now. Hopefully at some point this will be valuable to them and maybe will do some good.

Every day has its times of misery - sometimes only a few minutes, sometime hours. I most often keep my tears to myself - for good or bad, that's who I am. I work hard to not let it consume me.

I miss Caleb. I want him back in my life. I feel cheated.

I love Josh, Sam and Nathan more than ever. Knowing in my heart and soul - not just my head - that they may not always be there, drives me to want to do everything I can for them. I see you hurt, and I can't fix it - but I hope I can help you with it.

I'm sad for Becky. Her heart, like mine, is broken over this. She and I often have to put our own concerns on hold and take care of our family. She is God's hands to the rest of us.

Sometimes I think I'm only a step away from going insane, of giving up, or just doing nothing. I guess I won't take that step, it would be selfish and cause even more misery for my family. My responsibilities are part of my salvation.

I'm filled with guilt, and it won't go away any time in the foreseeable future. I feel guilt about how I could have been a better dad, and maybe what I could have done to prevent this. I feel guilt over the the pain everyone feels. I feel guilt when I'm happy and enjoying myself.

I used to love fall. I have discovered for the time being, I hate it.

I loved skiing with Caleb. I hope I can learn to like it again - not sure right now.

I hope at this point anyone reading this is not thinking they should encourage me to not be miserable, feel guilty, or continue to be sad. I know it would be done with the best of intentions and also come from pure ignorance. There are times in life to suffer - this is my time. I accept it, I hope I'm worthy of it.

Where is God is all of this? Where he always has been - everywhere, including right here.

Has my faith grown? Been lost? I think it's been refined some - I can't judge myself objectively. I know it's different.

How can I believe in a God that would allow this to happen to me? I have come to understand that suffering, as well as love, are core to the way he works. How can God be "close to the broken hearted" or "with me in the valley of the shadow of death" unless he deliberately allowed me to be there? I accept it.

So what's good?

Our friends have been so good to us. There have been so many people that have stood beside us. They have made it their business to make sure we are OK. I haven't said thank you enough.

Our church, not just as a set of individuals, but as an organization - a body - has been very good to us. I know they pray for us often. They have let both Becky and I continue to serve and not insisted we "just rest" - they have allowed us to maintain self-respect.

We have survived. I can't think of much worse circumstances than this - we are still here.

God, even though I'm now somewhat afraid of him, is very close to me. I can feel him bump against me. I see him as good and kind and loving and scary. It's not surprising the creator of the universe is complex.

God has chosen to tell me a few things this past year. The thing he has told me that is the most significant: "Part of you has died with your son, it needs to grow back in the form of kindness. You will become a different person." I'm still trying to understand this.

I have a lot more in my head, but this will do for now.

God, help me to be good to my family, appreciate my friends, and be obedient to you - regardless of good or bad that comes my way.

You Are My Vision

There are a few songs that have become very important to me. They teach me, encourage me and help me say focused on what’s important. This is one of them.

This song originated in 6th century Ireland – around 1500 years ago. I think it speaks as much truth as the Bible itself, so it has lasted through time and has been adapted into the versions we have today.

This is my favorite version – of course by an Irish group.

The lyrics:

You are my vision, O King of my heart.
Nothing else satisfies, only You, Lord.
You are my best thought by day or by night.
Waking or sleeping, Your presence, my light.

You are my wisdom, You are my true word,
I ever with You, and You with me Lord:
You're my great Father, and I'm Your true son,
You dwell inside me, together we're one.

You are my battle-shield, sword for the fight
You are my dignity, You're my delight
You're my soul's shelter and You're my high tower.
Come, raise me heavenward, O Power of my power.

I don't want riches or man's empty praise:
You're my inheritance, now and always;
You, and You only, the first in my heart:
High King of heaven, my treasure You are.

High King of heaven, when victory's won
May I reach heaven's joy, O bright heaven's Son.
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

Self-righteous Idiot

I had a couple of conversations in the past week that really bothered me. Thinking about them still makes me upset.

They both went the same way…

I met with a friends of mine who are not religious, Christian, whatever. I had intended to focus on them: How I could build them up and encourage them? How could I “bless” them?

They didn't respond as I had hoped. Instead, they insisted on listening and encouraging me - and I found myself wanting to be encouraged. I really appreciated their goodness towards me.

As I thought about it later on I got irritated with myself, and I realized that I’m a self-righteous Christian idiot at times. I think I have more to offer them than they have to offer me. If I’m brutally honest, I think I’m morally superior because I’m a believer – that in some subtle way I’m a better person.

I am not.

This huge hindrance to being the kind of person I want to be: someone who truly values what everyone has to offer.

The truth: God puts all sorts of people – all made in his image – in my life for all kinds of reasons. Being a Christian is not about being better than others - it’s about knowing that I am not, and seeing I need God.

This being “intentional” about my faith, while a great practice if my heart is right, can easily become a disaster if it’s not.

I can’t escape it – I’m the Pharisee in this teaching by Jesus:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ 

“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’  

“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

God, help me.

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Saturdays | God desires obedience – I want to be obedient

- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God

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Psalm 23 - Sunday

I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

From the very end of the Bible (Revelation 21):

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

The old order – what we experience now – will pass away, and will be replaced with something far greater. I’m looking forward to that. As Paul quoted:

What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him - these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

Yes God, by your grace and mercy, I will live with you forever.

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Sundays | God will set things right – I want to join him

- For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever

- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God

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Psalm 23 - Saturday

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life

I don’t think I've really considered this verse before.

“Your goodness will follow" me”, not “Your goodness with be with me”.

Here is the image I've come up with: God’s goodness follows in my wake – it’s what spreads out after me for the benefit of others.  My journey is not just for me.

I can start to see (just barely) why he has allowed me to be in the dark valley…

When we all stand before Jesus at the end of time (Matthew 25):

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 

Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ 

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I can’t think of a better legacy: to somehow leave others with blessing from God in their lives.

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Saturdays | God desires obedience – I want to be obedient

- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God

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Psalm 23 - Friday

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

What does “anoint” mean? When King David was anointed, it was the ceremonial act to make him king. God had selected him.

I think the image of a cup overflowing is one of getting more than I know what to do with.

A merciful God has selected me and given me more than I can imagine. I believe that, and I believe he extends that to everyone.

But do these images line up with my life every day? No - at least not from how I see things. There are times where I’m in the terrible valley, and there are times when I experience overflowing goodness. These two opposing situations are in this very short Psalm – night and day. I think it’s why it has resonated with so many people over the centuries - it's reality.

This makes some sense of it for me (from John chapter 1):

In him (Jesus) was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not understood it …
… The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

God shines in the darkest places and makes me his child – to inherit all he has.

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Fridays | God desires mercy – I want to be merciful

- And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors

- Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

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Psalm 23 - Thursday

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

God sets up the dinner table - He is in the roll of a servant here. I don't think the bible presents an image of God being a king and us exclusively serving him. It presents a balanced view, where there are times I serve him and other times he serves me. Sometimes he blesses me, other times I bless him. I seems to me to be the basis of a healthy relationship.

I get to sit down and eat while my enemies watch - I think this is the indented imagery.

Who are my enemies? My enemies are not people. I believe that if someone is alive – no matter who they are – God loves them and has an active plan to connect with them. I’m only called to love everyone, not speculate on their destiny, (and I have a long ways to go here).

In Ephesians, Paul says:

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  

My enemies are this whole other array of beings I often ignore. Our culture insists they don’t really exist (but they make movies about them all the time - go figure). At some point, I would like to write more about this whole topic - the unseen world.

God, even though evil comes my way – and it has – I’m safe with you. You will take care of me each day in the midst of it. You will “prepare the table” and fill me with good things.

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Thursdays | God will fill me with good – I want to be filled

- Give us today our daily bread

- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled

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Psalm 23 - Wednesday

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 

The images in the first three statements of this psalm are of me being a sheep and God being a shepherd.
   - It’s a picture of me being weak and vulnerable
   - It’s a picture of him having control over where I go and protecting me.

This gives me comfort: it’s not about where I’m at – good or bad, it about who is with me, protecting me, reminding me I will make it.

It’s very easy for me to pick and choose things out of the bible, in hopes to get the message I want to hear. Here is where God tells Jeremiah that he has a future for him:

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

God says that when you come out of pain, loss, captivity – not that these won’t happen – I will bring you back and give you a future. Simply put: you will come out of powerlessness and inherit the earth I have planned for you.

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Wednesdays | God is in control – My influence is weak

- Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven

- Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth

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Psalm 23 - Tuesday

I feel like I am here right now:

Even though I walk through the valley of the the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

I’m walking through a dark valley, along with my family. I guess I had always thought of this verse in terms of my own death. I wish it were that easy. I would pick that over my son’s death right now, no reservations.

It’s really easy to get scared of more evil that might come my way…

- Scared something else will happen.

- Scared my kids will not be able to deal with it in a healthy way.

- Scared this acute pain will not go away at some point – that I’ll never get back to my normal energy level.

- Scared I will forget details about Caleb as time goes on.

Any of these things may happen – but if they do, God is still with me.

God doesn't stop me from going into the horrible valley, instead he comes with me. Does he always let the bad things come? I don’t think so – there is a lot of good my world. Does he stop all the bad from coming if I sincerely ask him? Obviously not.

King David also said: I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my defense, he has become my salvation.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

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Psalm 23 - Monday

If nothing else, King David was a literary genius. He wrote things three thousand years ago that I think about right now. I decided I want to look at various Psalms in the coming months.

For as much as I read the Bible, I haven’t read Psalms very much. They have never resonated with me. Life during the past year has shown me that I can’t just live on the thinking level - I need the feeling one too.

I will start with popular one, the 23rd Psalm…

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

God gives me what I need, takes care of my soul, and shows me where I should go.

The phrase ending phrase “for his name’s sake” is a mystery to me. It’s very similar to the beginning of the Lord’s prayer below: “your name is holy”. What is it about God’s name that is so important? When Moses asked God what his name is, he replied, “My name is ‘I am who I am’”. There is so much writing on this topic that it’s more confusing to me than helpful, so I will think of it this way: Gods says that his name is his identity.

I need God. My identity is wrapped up in his identity.

With God, I have what I need in life, not matter where I’m at.

Without God, not matter how good, popular, or successful I am, I don’t have what I really need.
 

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Mondays | God is great – I’m in chaos

- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God

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The Curse - Monday

The Curse in Genesis 3 was God’s response to Adam and Eve’s disobedience – The Fall.

There are a variety of things I have observed in this story. The one that stands out to me the most: The curse was God’s choice - It didn’t happen automatically.

The first curse:

So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.”

I can see God saying to the snake, “You tempted them to eat the fruit, so you can eat dirt. You are the most cursed.”

Then he says, “I will create ongoing hostility between you and mankind – you will continue to attack each other.” I think he is telling Satan, “This is your new role. I will use you as part of my plan to harass and test mankind. You will create chaos for them.”

If God didn’t want all this to happen, why did he allow it? My only answer is that’s the way he is. He lets war, famine, crime, abuse, sickness, pain – all kinds of terrible things go on. I believe he is powerful enough to stop all of it right now, but that’s obviously not the way he does things.

Here is part of his plan for saving us:

Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

The more I read the bible and consider it actually says, the less comfortable I am with it. It’s unsettling.

 

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Mondays | God is great – I’m in chaos

- Our Father in heaven, your name is holy

- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God

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